Introduction - Drew's Goals for the Kid

This is Father Knows Shit. My name’s Drew, and three weeks from now, my wife is due to have our first child. Given my pedigree, it will almost certainly smell bad, shit often, masturbate at least 6 times a day, hump anything within eyeshot, and learn to drink itself blind by age 12.

Should be awesome.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m excited to be a parent. Lots of people become parents by accident. Not me. My wife and I made a mutual decision to begin the months of hardcore, bareback screwing necessary to ensure a pregnancy. Much to my chagrin, the plan worked too soon and she was pregnant within .5 seconds. That’s just how powerful my mighty little sperm are.

Since then, I’ve read through books and books on baby care, baby equipment, parenting styles, and mountains of other deadly bullshit from authors (usually women with an Oprah Complex, or born again Christian assholes) so self-serious about their parenthood, they probably plan on nailing their kid to a cross at age 33.

Frankly, I’m sick of reading this crap. People have been raising kids for 8 million years (or however long it’s been since we killed all the dinosaurs). How fucking complicated can it be? I’m writing this blog to find out. This won’t be a diary. You won’t read posts that say:

4:38 AM – Baby poops. YAY!

That shit is gay.

And frankly, most people (including me) don’t give a rat’s ass about other people’s children. Oh, your kid had a piano recital? Congrats. Maybe he’ll grow up to be the dipshit from Coldplay. No, what I plan to do is find the most entertaining aspects of raising a kid. We start with the planning stages.

GOALS
Mrs. Drew and I decided not to know if we’re having a boy or a girl (I hate spoilers). So I have laid out goals for myself as a dad. They are organized here by potential sex.

#1 BOY GOAL – Make sure he is not a fucking pussy.
I could care less if I have a gay son. Fine by me (the kid would at least lose his virginity well before the age I managed it). My family has a long history of having “the gay” anyways. But a pussy? Nobody wants their kid to end up being Fredo Corleone. I want a Michael Corleone-type. The kind that will kill you in your sleep. Or, barring that, a Sonny Corleone-type, who gets laid a lot and has a really sweet death. I swear to God, if my kid ends up opening up his own vegan teahouse or some bullshit like that, then I have fucking failed.

#2 BOY GOAL – Make sure he never wears a ‘do rag
If my kid ever goes out in public wearing the official headwear of Kevin Federline, then I have fucking failed.

That’s it for the boy goals. Lotta leeway there. Now for my potential daughter.

#1 GIRL GOAL – Make sure she’s never naked in public
Basically, an expansion of Chris Rock’s “Keep Her Off The Pole” Rule. If my daughter ever bares herself to anyone with a camera , then I have fucking failed. And I mean failed badly. Joe Francis, stay the fuck away from my kid.

#2 GIRL GOAL – Make sure she never marries an actor/musician/performance artist
If she ends up with some wallet leech like this asshole:
http://www.thesuperficial.com/archives/2005/10/31/mischa_barton_likes_em_classy.html
Then I have fucking failed. Be sure to tell me to my face, too.

#3 GIRL GOAL – Make sure she is not a slut
I wish I were a teenager now. Teenage girls today dress and act like complete slutbags. When I was in high school, they wore overalls and listened to Phish. God is an asshole. If my daughter ends up dressing and acting like any member of the Hilton family, then I have fucking failed.

#1 HERMAPHRODITE GOAL – Lose the penis, place a call in to Jamie Lee Curtis

That’s all for now. Next Entry – Naming the Thing.