Drew Avoids The Golden Shower

I have a weak bladder. It must be made of paper, or some other flimsy substance with no stretching ability whatsoever. In fact it’s so weak, I went to physical therapy for it. That’s right. I had to consult a physical therapist because I couldn’t stop going weewee. Between my bladder and my back, I belong in assisted living.

The physical therapy used to strengthen your bladder is called biofeedback therapy. One of the urologists I visited said that only women can receive this sort of therapy. So, apparently, I am some kind of Superpussy. But whatever. I was getting up every 10 minutes from bed to go dribble out 1 oz. of fluid. Mrs. Drew was ready to smother me to death with her pillow.

So I went. The first thing they do when you receive this therapy is give you a rectal exam. Because, as you know, any diagnostic mystery can easily be solved by jamming a finger up someone’s large intestine. Annoying. I get the jellyfinger from the therapist, who was a woman, by the way. Talk about awkward. What do you say to each other? I don’t want her hand up my ass, and she’s not happy to be making this little trip herself. So I sat there, in painful silence as she dug around my ass as if she were trying to reach the last Pringle in the can. In the East Village, people pay to have stuff like this done to them. I got it for free with insurance. Lucky me.

The therapy started. They call it biofeedback because they monitor the muscles around your bladder, which means they have to place electrodes at the area around your asshole. I’m not kidding. So, once a week, I got two sticky electrodes jammed onto my taint, with wires leading out of my ass to a progress monitor. So the next time you feel emasculated, tell yourself, “Hey, it beats having my asshole wiretapped!" You’ll feel better.

To strengthen the bladder, you have to do daily kegel exercises. To do kegel exercises, you tighten up your asshole for 20 seconds and repeat. Why this helps strengthen your bladder, I don’t know. The ass, taint, and penis are all aligned on some sort of Axis of Bodily Fluids. Goody.

I got very good at kegels, so much so that I was psyched to go to therapy just to see how high my ass could make the monitor spike. One time I got to 100. I don’t know what 100 signified, or even what kind of unit of measurement it represented. All I know is that I hit it, and I felt like I had rung the bell at the Test of Strength at your local carnival. I fucking rule. My asshole is strong. Don’t try and rape me. You will hit a fucking brick wall.

Eventually, I wasn’t pissing as much. But I have clearly passed on my genes. When I check the Girl’s diaper, it’s almost always wet. And heavy. I swear there’s a pound of piss in there sometimes. And it’ll be wet again five minutes later.

Bad news for the Girl. The biofeedback monitor awaits.