My Child Is Advanced!
Is your baby advanced? Mine is! My baby is very advanced! Look at her! She can occasionally smile! Doctors say babies aren’t supposed to smile for three months! But mine can do it right now! Can yours? No? Well then, you better start filling out a job application at Wal-Mart for her! Because my child is super advanced!
Is your child shitting three times a day yet? Because mine is! And not only that, she straightens her legs out when she shits! And her shit is yellow! I don’t know what it means, but I know it means she’s advanced! Is your child advanced? Is she? Because if your child isn’t advanced by the first month of life, she never will be! She’ll be left for dead, like a porn star on her 30th birthday!
My child likes staring at toys! That’s right! She can see tangible objects! That’s because she’s very advanced! Can your child do that? No? Maybe you should have her checked out! She might have Down’s Syndrome! My child doesn’t have Down’s Syndrome! Know why? Because she’s advanced!
Do you read to your child? I do, because she’s advanced! I even read to her when she was in utero! In fact, I read to her when she was a sperm in my ballsack! That’s right! I read to my balls! Every night! And not just kiddie stuff! I read Tolstoy to my balls! Do you do that? Well then, you probably don’t have an advanced child like I do!
Have you thought about where you child will attend preschool? I’m filling out applications as we speak! I already have a preschool, elementary school, middle school, prep school, college, graduate school, and plum Wall Street job position lined up for her! Do you have that ready for your child? No? Do you live in Pakistan? You may as well, because your child is clearly not advanced!
My child can grab things! She can stick her hand out and wrap it around various things! Which means she’s super advanced! Can your child grab things! No? Maybe my kid will wave to your kid while she’s on the way to her AP Calculus class and your kid’s heading to woodshop!
Can your child hold her head up? Because mine can! Her neck muscles are advanced! Your child may never be able to hold her head up if she isn’t now! She may grow up to have a head that rolls around like a broken joystick! Tough break for you! Not all of us can have an advanced child!
Oh my God! My child just said, “Ooooreghhh!!!” Can you child say that?! No? I already speak five different foreign languages to my child! I suppose you’re just speaking plain old English to your kid! That’s too bad, because advanced kids speak lots of languages, especially French! Because French is useful!
Are you breastfeeding? No? Then your child is sure to have cerebral palsy! At least that’s what I read! Because only breastfed children can be advanced! We even shopped for the choicest breast milk! Turns out it’s made by former New Jersey governor Christine Todd Whitman! God, that’s one tasty titty! And advanced, too!
Is your child advanced?! No? Then you should have a Chinese couple adopt it, before my advanced child crushes it! Sorry, but that’s life if you aren’t advanced!
Is your child shitting three times a day yet? Because mine is! And not only that, she straightens her legs out when she shits! And her shit is yellow! I don’t know what it means, but I know it means she’s advanced! Is your child advanced? Is she? Because if your child isn’t advanced by the first month of life, she never will be! She’ll be left for dead, like a porn star on her 30th birthday!
My child likes staring at toys! That’s right! She can see tangible objects! That’s because she’s very advanced! Can your child do that? No? Maybe you should have her checked out! She might have Down’s Syndrome! My child doesn’t have Down’s Syndrome! Know why? Because she’s advanced!
Do you read to your child? I do, because she’s advanced! I even read to her when she was in utero! In fact, I read to her when she was a sperm in my ballsack! That’s right! I read to my balls! Every night! And not just kiddie stuff! I read Tolstoy to my balls! Do you do that? Well then, you probably don’t have an advanced child like I do!
Have you thought about where you child will attend preschool? I’m filling out applications as we speak! I already have a preschool, elementary school, middle school, prep school, college, graduate school, and plum Wall Street job position lined up for her! Do you have that ready for your child? No? Do you live in Pakistan? You may as well, because your child is clearly not advanced!
My child can grab things! She can stick her hand out and wrap it around various things! Which means she’s super advanced! Can your child grab things! No? Maybe my kid will wave to your kid while she’s on the way to her AP Calculus class and your kid’s heading to woodshop!
Can your child hold her head up? Because mine can! Her neck muscles are advanced! Your child may never be able to hold her head up if she isn’t now! She may grow up to have a head that rolls around like a broken joystick! Tough break for you! Not all of us can have an advanced child!
Oh my God! My child just said, “Ooooreghhh!!!” Can you child say that?! No? I already speak five different foreign languages to my child! I suppose you’re just speaking plain old English to your kid! That’s too bad, because advanced kids speak lots of languages, especially French! Because French is useful!
Are you breastfeeding? No? Then your child is sure to have cerebral palsy! At least that’s what I read! Because only breastfed children can be advanced! We even shopped for the choicest breast milk! Turns out it’s made by former New Jersey governor Christine Todd Whitman! God, that’s one tasty titty! And advanced, too!
Is your child advanced?! No? Then you should have a Chinese couple adopt it, before my advanced child crushes it! Sorry, but that’s life if you aren’t advanced!
posted by Big Daddy Drew at 1:04 PM
5 Comments:
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Ok let me just say that u have to be THE most STUPIDEST JERK OFF i have ever came across.. EVERY child is different. every child does there own thing at ther own time.. My daughter has been smiling since she was born.. She could hold her head up too. Ohh and she also could hold her own bottle.. she SHITT yellow becuz of the breast milk i can offically say that the isnt advanced from your side of the family if you didnt know that one.. MY DAUGHTER started talking at 3 months started crawling at 4 and started standing at 5 and walking at 6 now she says a total of 20 words at 7 months old and she knows English and Spanish seeing how IN AMERICA those are the only 2 that really matter plus she is only 7 months old i dont wanna over do it and i havent put any strain on her to do it she has done it all by her self i let her do as she pleases around the house to find her self. So please grow up and hopfully ur daughter wont grow up to hate you! becuz im sure that everyone who reads this WILL!
hahahahah. exactly. looks like you completely missed the point of the blog!!
This has to be one of the funniest blogs I've read - you are a funny man.
your child may be advanced far further than her father is by far!! that is clear when it comes to this post! i feel sorry for this advanced child to be brought up by some retarded father that is clueless in life and has nothing nice to say about people. not only that but he is so stupid and self absorbed he actually thinks that not breast feeding causes cerebral palsy!!!!! clearly uneducated and believes everything he reads(also not intelligent) all in all I really feel sorry for your child, because you will raise her by the sounds of it to be a bully and she will struggle to be a perfectionist for her father all her life!!!!!! sad......so sad and by the way my child can do everything you claim your child can do, only difference is she has a sensible loving parent that will enjoy and cherish every milestone and teach her to be kind and loving, as well as talented, without the dissappointment of having to be expected to be perfect and advanced in EVERYTHING!!!! CHEERS MORON!!!!!
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