Bullshit Myths About Parenting
When Mrs. Drew got pregnant, I got a lot of needless advice from dipshits with kids. People with kids love to push all their parenting know-how on me and anyone else unfortunate enough to come within earshot. These people need to get a life. I hate people who have no life outside of being a parent. It’s creepy. Go see a movie, for fuck’s sake. Most of what they said is horseshit anyway. To wit:
“Having a kid will change you forever.” Bullshit. Unbelievably wrong. I feel exactly the same as I did three months ago. People make it sound like having a kid is the equivalent of finding Jesus. I fully expected them to be right, too. I was all ready to start weeping at life insurance commercials and what not. But nope. I’m still the same: hornier than a 60-year-old divorcee and annoyed that I don’t have more time for drinking and gambling. Don’t get me wrong. I love the Girl, and I love hanging out with her. But having a kid doesn’t automatically make you a pussy. And if it does, you were probably a pussy to begin with. Pussy.
“Get ready for total sleep deprivation.” Wrong again, fuckstick. I sleep plenty. I wake up to feed the Girl once or twice a night. It takes a grand total of about an hour. So I go to sleep one hour earlier. Thus, I get the same amount of sleep. Amazing how the math works like that. Suck on it.
“Anyone can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a Dad.” Again, total lie. I’m anyone, and I’ve managed to do a good job thus far. The real man is the deadbeat dad. Ditching your wife and kid to go live on a houseboat in San Diego? Now that takes some serious balls.
“I can’t even remember life before (insert douchebag kid’s name here) was born!” No? Nothing memorable about life before you had a kid? Then that means you were a loser. And guess what? You still are one. I had fun before I had a kid, and I enjoy those memories just as much now as I did then. Probably even more so.
“Nothing’s more important than family.” These people obviously haven’t been waiting 29 years for the Vikings to win a Super Bowl.
“Cherish this time. They’ll be grown up before you know it.” This is, hands down, the most annoying thing people say about parenting. The Girl is two months old. These have to have been the longest two months of my life. What month is this? April? It’s only fucking April? Are we going by the Martian calendar? Jesus. The day the Girl can clothe herself, feed herself, mow the lawn and bring me a beer can’t come fast enough.
“Having a kid will change you forever.” Bullshit. Unbelievably wrong. I feel exactly the same as I did three months ago. People make it sound like having a kid is the equivalent of finding Jesus. I fully expected them to be right, too. I was all ready to start weeping at life insurance commercials and what not. But nope. I’m still the same: hornier than a 60-year-old divorcee and annoyed that I don’t have more time for drinking and gambling. Don’t get me wrong. I love the Girl, and I love hanging out with her. But having a kid doesn’t automatically make you a pussy. And if it does, you were probably a pussy to begin with. Pussy.
“Get ready for total sleep deprivation.” Wrong again, fuckstick. I sleep plenty. I wake up to feed the Girl once or twice a night. It takes a grand total of about an hour. So I go to sleep one hour earlier. Thus, I get the same amount of sleep. Amazing how the math works like that. Suck on it.
“Anyone can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a Dad.” Again, total lie. I’m anyone, and I’ve managed to do a good job thus far. The real man is the deadbeat dad. Ditching your wife and kid to go live on a houseboat in San Diego? Now that takes some serious balls.
“I can’t even remember life before (insert douchebag kid’s name here) was born!” No? Nothing memorable about life before you had a kid? Then that means you were a loser. And guess what? You still are one. I had fun before I had a kid, and I enjoy those memories just as much now as I did then. Probably even more so.
“Nothing’s more important than family.” These people obviously haven’t been waiting 29 years for the Vikings to win a Super Bowl.
“Cherish this time. They’ll be grown up before you know it.” This is, hands down, the most annoying thing people say about parenting. The Girl is two months old. These have to have been the longest two months of my life. What month is this? April? It’s only fucking April? Are we going by the Martian calendar? Jesus. The day the Girl can clothe herself, feed herself, mow the lawn and bring me a beer can’t come fast enough.
posted by Big Daddy Drew at 11:50 AM
2 Comments:
Funny Guy, lol
Wow. It's like you read my mind and made it funnier.
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