Drexl Spivey: The Man I Want My Daughter to Marry
Now that I have a daughter, I get to spend the next 25-30 years worrying about just what sort of jackass she’ll end up marrying. It’s a known fact that 75% of all men are complete tools, so the odds of finding a decent one aren’t that great. It’s the reason why unmarried women over 30 want to hang themselves. They’re screwed. All the good men are taken by then. The only guys left at that age all have something wrong with them. Either they jerk off to dog porn, or they work in politics, or there’s something else repugnant and horrible about them. Ugh.
It makes me think that arranged marriages aren’t so bad. Assholes are easy to spot at an early age. If a young boy acts like a tool, chances are he will become a fully grown one (certainly true of myself). Whereas, if you find a nice young lad, you may have better odds. It’s a great cover-your-daughter’s-ass maneuver.
Even so, marrying a nice boy may not be enough. I want my girl to be protected. I want her taken care of. She’s gonna need a real man. That’s why I have decided exactly whom she will marry:
That’s right. It’s Drexl Spivey, the pimp from “True Romance”.
It’s no secret that “True Romance" is one of the 5 greatest films ever made. And if you believe otherwise, you deserve to be gassed to death. Among the great characters in the history of cinema, Drexl stands alone. This man is a fucking Badass. He’s such a badass, he not only pulls off the whole white-man-acting-like-a-black-man thing, he makes it look cool. No one can do that. But Drexl can. Know why?
Because, YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH DREXL SPIVEY.
Drexl will unload a six-barrel shotgun on you and then go right back to eating his egg roll. That’s the kind of confidence and decisiveness my daughter deserves. And Drexl cares about women, too. For example, there’s a scene where Christian Slater goes to meet Drexl and his bodyguard, Marty. He wants to tell Drexl that his wife, Alabama, won’t be whoring for him anymore. This is their exchange:
MARTY: He’s here about Alabama.
DREXL: (doesn’t bother looking up, because he is a Badass) Where the fuck is that bitch?
SLATER: She’s with me.
DREXL: Who the fuck are you?
SLATER: I’m her husband.
DREXL: (laughs, because he is a Badass) Well, that makes us practically related.
You see that? That is a man who instantly recognizes the importance of family. He also shows great concern for the whereabouts of his woman. And, best of all, he casts a skeptical eye on the man she has married, wary of any potential douchebaggery. How is this not the perfect son-in-law? I want to adopt the guy already.
Later on in that scene, Drexl beats the shit out of Christian Slater. Anyone who beats the shit out of Christian Slater gets an automatic Gold Star from me, but it gets better. After a thorough beating, Drexl turns to Marty:
DREXL: He musta thought it was White Boy Day. It ain’t White Boy Day, is it?
MARTY: No, man. It ain’t White Boy Day.
And this is a white man talking! And he pulls it off! Holy fuck, Drexl is a Badass. Sure, he’s a fictional character, and he ain’t as pretty as a couple of titties, and he gets a bullet to the nuts in the end, but who fucking cares? Look at the guy. Look at his scars! He’s only got one fucking eye! He’s wearing a leather chapeau! Backwards! Do you fuck with this man? No, you do not.
So consider it done. The Girl will be known one day as Mrs. Drexl Spivey. I can’t wait to give her away.
It makes me think that arranged marriages aren’t so bad. Assholes are easy to spot at an early age. If a young boy acts like a tool, chances are he will become a fully grown one (certainly true of myself). Whereas, if you find a nice young lad, you may have better odds. It’s a great cover-your-daughter’s-ass maneuver.
Even so, marrying a nice boy may not be enough. I want my girl to be protected. I want her taken care of. She’s gonna need a real man. That’s why I have decided exactly whom she will marry:
That’s right. It’s Drexl Spivey, the pimp from “True Romance”.
It’s no secret that “True Romance" is one of the 5 greatest films ever made. And if you believe otherwise, you deserve to be gassed to death. Among the great characters in the history of cinema, Drexl stands alone. This man is a fucking Badass. He’s such a badass, he not only pulls off the whole white-man-acting-like-a-black-man thing, he makes it look cool. No one can do that. But Drexl can. Know why?
Because, YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH DREXL SPIVEY.
Drexl will unload a six-barrel shotgun on you and then go right back to eating his egg roll. That’s the kind of confidence and decisiveness my daughter deserves. And Drexl cares about women, too. For example, there’s a scene where Christian Slater goes to meet Drexl and his bodyguard, Marty. He wants to tell Drexl that his wife, Alabama, won’t be whoring for him anymore. This is their exchange:
MARTY: He’s here about Alabama.
DREXL: (doesn’t bother looking up, because he is a Badass) Where the fuck is that bitch?
SLATER: She’s with me.
DREXL: Who the fuck are you?
SLATER: I’m her husband.
DREXL: (laughs, because he is a Badass) Well, that makes us practically related.
You see that? That is a man who instantly recognizes the importance of family. He also shows great concern for the whereabouts of his woman. And, best of all, he casts a skeptical eye on the man she has married, wary of any potential douchebaggery. How is this not the perfect son-in-law? I want to adopt the guy already.
Later on in that scene, Drexl beats the shit out of Christian Slater. Anyone who beats the shit out of Christian Slater gets an automatic Gold Star from me, but it gets better. After a thorough beating, Drexl turns to Marty:
DREXL: He musta thought it was White Boy Day. It ain’t White Boy Day, is it?
MARTY: No, man. It ain’t White Boy Day.
And this is a white man talking! And he pulls it off! Holy fuck, Drexl is a Badass. Sure, he’s a fictional character, and he ain’t as pretty as a couple of titties, and he gets a bullet to the nuts in the end, but who fucking cares? Look at the guy. Look at his scars! He’s only got one fucking eye! He’s wearing a leather chapeau! Backwards! Do you fuck with this man? No, you do not.
So consider it done. The Girl will be known one day as Mrs. Drexl Spivey. I can’t wait to give her away.
posted by Big Daddy Drew at 10:16 AM
1 Comments:
Good flick, Drexel is played by an englishman which is easy to see why he's such a badass. Those old dudes in Lock stock and Snatch respectivly are more badass than any white american old dude. Bricktop and Hatchet Harry. Best lines from snatch are all from Bricktop, "pull your tounge out of my asshole gary" classic, "if I throw a dog a bone I don't wanna know how it tastes!!!" badass, in a response to being asked if he'd like sugar in his tea "no thanks Turkish, I'm sweet enough" hilarious.
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