Tevas Are Worse Than Hitler

A few weeks ago, I was walking around downtown when I spotted a guy hanging out with his kid. The guy was wearing Tevas. I immediately wanted to punch him in kidneys.

It’s 2006, people. If you’re still wearing Tevas, it better be because you carry a canoe around with you wherever you go. Otherwise, what excuse could you possibly have? I’m fully aware that having a child instantly makes you a fucking dork. But does it make you so unaware of your own dorkiness that you would actually go out in public wearing river shoes? If so, shoot me in the balls.

I went to prep school (Yes, I went to prep school. I know. I’m gay.) during the dreaded Teva/Birkenstock explosion of the early 90’s. People wore Tevas, played hacky-sack, and listened to Phish. This had to be the darkest period in our nation’s history. Far worse than slavery. The worst part is that girls got in on the trend. Have you ever seen a girl rock a pair of Tevas? Doesn’t it make you immediately want to gag yourself with a nail file? If you’re a girl, and your name is not Rosie O’Donnell, and you’re still wearing Tevas, give it up. You have no reason to continue living.

Don’t give me the whole “they’re comfortable” argument. Fuck that shit. Women are supposed to look hot, not be comfortable. Besides, flip flops are comfortable, and they don’t make you look like you rape maple trees. Buy a pair.

And if you’re a guy who’s still wearing these things, well… Let’s just say that you’re not really a man if you’re wearing shoes that have a fucking ankle strap. Even European men, who are all completely gay, wouldn’t be caught dead in these things. If you’re a guy, wearing Tevas is basically your announcement to the world that A) You have no real interest in your testicles, and B) You have no real concern for citizens of the world that have to look at your raggedy-ass feet. Seriously, look at those fucking things. Just thinking about it now is forcing bile up through my esophagus.

Do people think they look cool in Tevas? Do they think the jazzy nylon pattern is going to somehow make things right? It won’t. Tevas are a horror on par with mass genocide. If you have children and go out in public with them while wearing Tevas, child services should come and immediately place your kids in one of those retarded foster homes. Because, by sporting Tevas, you are telling your children that you hate them, and you are telling the world that your kid has no hope of growing up into something other than a complete douchebag.

I hate Tevas.