Cats: A Reasonable Case for Planned Genocide
I fucking hate cats. In fact, if you were to list the things I hate most, in order, here’s where cats would rank:
1. Mayonnaise
2. Cats
3. Katie Couric
4. Hitler
I know what you’re thinking, and you’re probably right. Katie Couric is a little low on that list. Vapid fucking slut. But no, cats are worse. What is the point of owning a cat? It says a lot about you if you enjoy the company of a pet that does nothing but sit around all day and stare at you with complete and utter contempt. It’s like having a shallow Asian girlfriend. I don’t get the appeal.
Cats also rank on high Mrs. Drew’s shit list, which looks something like this:
1. Jennifer Love Hewitt
2. Gwyneth Paltrow
3. Ann Curry (The Today Show is about as welcome in our house as a hot fart)
4. Fucking cats
But recent events may push cats to the top of our respective lists. Two weeks ago, Mrs. Drew discovered a litter of baby rabbits in our frontyard. I took a picture of them. Here it is:
Awwwwww. Aren’t they cute? I even named them. From left to right, that’s Pussykiller, Lightning Balls, Russell J. Trombone, and TT Boy. Mrs. Drew watched the mama rabbit give birth to them, stunned that no epidural was administered. But she also noticed that the baby rabbits should not have been born so out in the open, where they could be easily spotted by predators and/or Richard Gere. We both agreed, as new parents ourselves, that we should do our best to shelter the litter, so that they could enjoy a long life of eating carrots, outwitting hunters, battling space aliens, and fighting bulls. So Mrs. Drew surrounded them with a complex wall of twigs, sticks, and twiggy sticks.
But then, what should appear in our yard but one of the outdoor cats that roam our neighborhood. Apparently, cats are divided into two groups: indoor cats and outdoor cats. The idea of an outdoor cat is idiotic to me. It’s basically a stray cat someone assigned themselves to. I own a group of outdoor seagulls myself. Retarded.
Anyway, Mrs. Drew knew this cat wanted to go all Sylvester on the litter, so she stayed outside to shoo it away. But then, two things happened. First, the Girl started crying, which Mrs. Drew had to take care of. Second, I realized I had to check on some chicken I had cooking on the grill. I had that shit marinating overnight. Fuck if I was burning it. The cat was nowhere to be seen. So we went off to do our respective duties. While we were away, the inevitable happened. We came back to find a bloodbath. Only two baby rabbits remained. One was gone, the other badly wounded. Fucking cat.
What is the call here? Do you call the Humane Society? Do you take in the surviving rabbits and raise them as humans? Or do you let cruel nature take its course? I went to go look up animal services on the internet. But the time I got back, it was too late. They were all gone.
I’m well aware that these are rabbits we’re talking about. I’m sure the mama rabbit slutted it up three minutes later and pumped out a new batch without even thinking about it. But still, she lost four kids at once. We couldn’t even save one of them ala Private Ryan. And it was all because of an animal no one with a chemically balanced psyche likes. As a result, Mrs. Drew have combined our respective shit lists into one:
1. Outdoor cats
2. Indoor cats
3. Thundercats
4. Aristocats
5. Any other stupid fucking cats
I hate cats.
1. Mayonnaise
2. Cats
3. Katie Couric
4. Hitler
I know what you’re thinking, and you’re probably right. Katie Couric is a little low on that list. Vapid fucking slut. But no, cats are worse. What is the point of owning a cat? It says a lot about you if you enjoy the company of a pet that does nothing but sit around all day and stare at you with complete and utter contempt. It’s like having a shallow Asian girlfriend. I don’t get the appeal.
Cats also rank on high Mrs. Drew’s shit list, which looks something like this:
1. Jennifer Love Hewitt
2. Gwyneth Paltrow
3. Ann Curry (The Today Show is about as welcome in our house as a hot fart)
4. Fucking cats
But recent events may push cats to the top of our respective lists. Two weeks ago, Mrs. Drew discovered a litter of baby rabbits in our frontyard. I took a picture of them. Here it is:
Awwwwww. Aren’t they cute? I even named them. From left to right, that’s Pussykiller, Lightning Balls, Russell J. Trombone, and TT Boy. Mrs. Drew watched the mama rabbit give birth to them, stunned that no epidural was administered. But she also noticed that the baby rabbits should not have been born so out in the open, where they could be easily spotted by predators and/or Richard Gere. We both agreed, as new parents ourselves, that we should do our best to shelter the litter, so that they could enjoy a long life of eating carrots, outwitting hunters, battling space aliens, and fighting bulls. So Mrs. Drew surrounded them with a complex wall of twigs, sticks, and twiggy sticks.
But then, what should appear in our yard but one of the outdoor cats that roam our neighborhood. Apparently, cats are divided into two groups: indoor cats and outdoor cats. The idea of an outdoor cat is idiotic to me. It’s basically a stray cat someone assigned themselves to. I own a group of outdoor seagulls myself. Retarded.
Anyway, Mrs. Drew knew this cat wanted to go all Sylvester on the litter, so she stayed outside to shoo it away. But then, two things happened. First, the Girl started crying, which Mrs. Drew had to take care of. Second, I realized I had to check on some chicken I had cooking on the grill. I had that shit marinating overnight. Fuck if I was burning it. The cat was nowhere to be seen. So we went off to do our respective duties. While we were away, the inevitable happened. We came back to find a bloodbath. Only two baby rabbits remained. One was gone, the other badly wounded. Fucking cat.
What is the call here? Do you call the Humane Society? Do you take in the surviving rabbits and raise them as humans? Or do you let cruel nature take its course? I went to go look up animal services on the internet. But the time I got back, it was too late. They were all gone.
I’m well aware that these are rabbits we’re talking about. I’m sure the mama rabbit slutted it up three minutes later and pumped out a new batch without even thinking about it. But still, she lost four kids at once. We couldn’t even save one of them ala Private Ryan. And it was all because of an animal no one with a chemically balanced psyche likes. As a result, Mrs. Drew have combined our respective shit lists into one:
1. Outdoor cats
2. Indoor cats
3. Thundercats
4. Aristocats
5. Any other stupid fucking cats
I hate cats.
posted by Big Daddy Drew at 10:57 AM
33 Comments:
Well, Drew. You have just encountered one of the things that makes me like cats so much. Cats are the last domesticated animals that like to kill for pure entertainment value.
If that were a litter of mice in your basement, you would be showering catnip and tuna in bulk on the animal.
But, then again...I like vacant asian girls, as well!
-bostongraf
Why does your wife hate Jennifer Love Hewitt???
Now, had the intruder cat somehow been related to your family (ie., YOUR outdoor cat) it would've gone one step further and proudly planted the dead bunny carcasses directly on your front step so you would be sure to trip over their bloody remains tomorrow morning.
Or worse yet, it would have Fed Exed its disgusting offering close to your grill.
YOUR grill, with YOUR carefully marinated chicken cooking-it's hard to imagine the carnage that would have taken place then.
Drew, I've been having myself watched since I read this post as I'm quite certain that you are me. Your list matches mine almost perfectly (and in a totally bizarre twist Mrs. Drew's matches my wife's list). And we both hate cats, almost criminally. I could live very blissfully if I knew that every cat in the world had been crushed to death by a madman with a brick. Thank you for this.
Anon,
All women hate Jennifer Love Hewitt.
6. Cat Stevens
You know, you could've deprived those cats of their kill AND gotten your grub on simply by popping the rabbits on the grill.
Smoking Pope
Brillant... fucking brillant.
Dear god, it's like you took everything that was good in life and wrote it down with the satire I can't muster myself. Unfortunately I'm one of those ultra-white guys that likes mayo, so don't hate me too much, but I do hate cats with a passion the rivals your own, I've also helped in the irradication of stray cats around my wife's parents' house. It was one of the few things in my life where I look back and think that I have helped this nation in a simple yet patriotic way.
Yet another reason to kill all the cats: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/20/science/20toxo.html?ei=5087%0A&en=6bcbdb3f24344d82&ex=1150948800&adxnnl=1&adxnnlx=1150815937-E/UEhHNsCA9SOd8gJ8gkOQ&pagewanted=all
You speak the truth Big Daddy.
Cats suck.
Your delivery and writing style crack me up. Good job.
7) Meow Ming
I have a dislike for cats as well. In fact, there have been three separate instances where cats have entered our yard only to die minutes later. Each time, our four dogs chase the cats out. The cats, inexplicably, ALWAYS run for the street. Naturally, they have a tendency to get nailed by oncoming cars. This, my friends, is why I keep a shovel handy: to scoop up dead cat and deposit those little pricks in the trash next to my son's dirty diapers from the previous night.
why a shallow ASIAN girlfriend? why not just a shallow girlfriend, you racist douchebag (yes, douchebag)?! WHYYYY???? i've seen shallow asian gf's. many times. but i've also seen shallow white gf's, shallow hispanic gf's, shallow middle eastern gf's, ad nauseam. what the fuck, man? i was enjoying reading your blogs, esp. about the current state of "rock n roll" but that asian gf comment is WHACK.
I hate cats. My ex-girlfriend had a cat in highschool. I was watching some Thursday Night Football when she walks in after getting off the phone and says, on the verge of tears, 'Bijou has cancer so my parents put him to sleep.'
Good.
We broke up 20 minutes later.
Admit it you pansy. You knew fear at that moment. Fear that Sylvester would turn your face into a horrid hamburger landscape the next time you got drunk and passed out in your hammock in the backyward. Just like he did the rabbits.
Do you hear the cries of the rabbits Drew? Do you?
FEAR
I can't believe dogs aren't on your shit list. A dogs stupidity is only exceeded by its owner.
I had a cat once....tasted like chicken!
It surprises me little that someone who would hate cats so much would also be racist.
You hate losing that control, don't you, Drew?
Cats make you you feel inferior, don't they?
To the anonymous guy who said you're racist...You're fucking putz, he just hates cats. Fuck you. I also hate cats they tear up my god damn couch...
Drew sounds like a frightened, ignorant, violent, arsehole to me. He says things like cats have contempt for humans. Where did he get that dumb idea from? Sheer prejudice. His parents probably hated cats too and they taught him to hate them, which he does blindly and robotically. Total ignorance.
Snarf snarf
Ann Curry is really nice
I love cat. I had one smart cat and a bunch of moronic, criminally insane cats. Cats that would jump your face for no reason. The one good cat- he got killed by a car. All the dumb cats lived to ripe old age. Now I am allergic to cats. Good riddance. Drew is not frightened- he just knows what he does not like. I do not like pseudo psychologically arrogant prigs either. Losers that try to analyze their prejudices onto others- that numbskull is called 'projection' Go project your own racism and prejudice onto yourself. Better yet, hold up a mirror to your arsehole and scream 'frightened, ignorant, violent, arsehole' and then you would have done justice.
Maybe you could of avoiding offending cat lovers by not talking so crudely about them and just grabbed up all of the "outdoor" cats, a burlap sack, a piece of rope and some bricks and headed out to the local pond. No dead bunnies, no cats and the fish get to eat a feast. Problem solved. No harm, no foul. Toodles...
Stupid cat. You should have left a bowl of radiator fluid out for him to wash down his bunny lunch.
Yeah, I'm starting to really despise my new kitten. All I want to do is cuddle and love him but he keeps trying to attack and chase everything, he won't settle the fuck down for two seconds to pay attention to me. And I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm scary, which is even more annoying, cause I'm not a scary person.
i hate dogs. they're dirty and intrusive and high-maintenance and unclever. just wanted to say that for the record. its always ok for people to hate cats but when someone hates a dog its like you threatened the life of a person's first born child.
I used to play fetch with my cats. They're very smart animals.
What? You don't like Mayo! What the hell is wrong with you? I bet you're one of those ketchup guys, aren't you? Ketchup, what a joke. Its fucking sugary tomato paste with a hint of toilet water.
But I agree with you about the cats...my advise: Buy a paintball gun, or at least a paint ball sling shot. I don't have much use for going "paint balling" but hitting a stupid cat with them will make you smile...
cats puke all time. everywhere. computer keyboard. persian rug. kitchen counter. i'm leaving the fucks out for the coyotes
I fucking hate cats too... those fuckers ate my hamster
I fucking hate cats as well. Friend of mine has a couple, and whenever I go over there and drink a bit much, thus forcing me to stay on his couch that night, those fuckers run around the fucking house, making so much noise it's impossible to fucking sleep. You have my support for a full blown genocide.
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