FKS Field Trip: The Local Grocery Store, Part 1
Part of my husbandly duties includes the occasional trip to the grocery store. The whole grocery buying experience can vary. If I go to the grocery store at the wrong time, the aisles are crowded, the lines are endless, the parking lot is hell, and I end up wanting to beat myself to death with a box of Frosted Mini Wheats.
It also doesn’t help that my local store put their Token Retarded Employee in charge of the deli slicer. Are they insane? The TRE is supposed to mop floors, or stare at the produce, or stack cans in pyramids. You don’t give them the most important job in the whole fucking store. The guy isn’t even one of those jolly retards. He gets all pissy when you ask him to slice the turkey thin. Fuck him. I hope he fails his GED exam.
On the other hand, if I go to the store on, let’s say, a Saturday morning, shopping is a blast. Especially if I’m hungry and feeling generous about what I’m throwing into the cart, in which case the idea of eating two boxes of Dunkaroos seems like a good one. The possibilities are truly endless when the store isn’t crowded and you feel like ingesting everything in it.
Anyway, to provide you and your family with some educational value, I’ve earmarked a few choice items in the store which amuse and/or annoy me to no end.
-Jimmy Dean Pancakes ‘N’ Sausage On A Stick
This product provides us with a simple test for life. Do you eat this? Then you have fucking failed at life. This product was invented for the kind of person who also prays for the day they invent a wide-mouth syrup bottle, so that they can eliminate the use of plates, napkins, and utensils altogether.
Who asked for this product? Was there really someone out there who told the Jimmy Dean company, “You know, I love eating breakfast, but I wish it were more like eating a corndog.” The people who eat this are also the kind of people who stop when they see a Yield sign. If you eat this, you may as well eat the stick it comes on. That way you’ll choke. Keep in mind that grocery stores stock only two kinds of items: new items, and items that have a proven sales record. So a small population of people in my vicinity eats this shit regularly. My daughter is not safe.
-Olive Loaf
I do not get olive loaf. I at least enjoy the illusion that my sliced deli turkey wasn’t originally blasted with a fire hose and then reassembled into a larger solid. Olive loaf leaves no doubt. There’s a minimum age for people who eat olive loaf, and it is just around 87. No one under that age could possibly want anything to do with it. Just looking at it induces peristalsis. Let’s move on.
-Baby Corn
Baby corn is the veal of the canned vegetable world. Why would you endorse the wholesale slaughter of little baby ears of corn? What did they ever do to you, you heartless bastard?
-The Orange Juice Aisle
Pulp Free OJ. Low Pulp OJ. Calcium OJ. Vitamin D OJ. Calcium & Vitamin D OJ, with extra pulp. OJ with pecans in it. There were 47 different kinds of OJ in the aisle. Five kinds would be overkill. Forty-seven is Darfur-like. How did OJ get this specialized? If you’re this picky about your OJ, do you also go through a box of Rotini and toss out misshapen ones? Want to make a fortune? Sell a product called “Regular fucking orange juice for people who don’t have OCD”. I’ll buy it by the case.
-The Candy at the Checkout Aisle
Imagine being a parent and taking your three-year-old to the grocery store. You’ve survived a full hour of the kid wanting to throw everything he sees into the cart. At last, you’re ready to check out. And what do they have opposite every single fucking register? Enough candy to travel through time. Thanks a lot, grocery man. Looking forward to dealing with that. Why don’t you just use my penis as a rope swing? Asswipe. Is catering to stoned 17 year-olds really worth me burning your store to the ground?
Come back Wednesday for Part 2 of the field trip.
It also doesn’t help that my local store put their Token Retarded Employee in charge of the deli slicer. Are they insane? The TRE is supposed to mop floors, or stare at the produce, or stack cans in pyramids. You don’t give them the most important job in the whole fucking store. The guy isn’t even one of those jolly retards. He gets all pissy when you ask him to slice the turkey thin. Fuck him. I hope he fails his GED exam.
On the other hand, if I go to the store on, let’s say, a Saturday morning, shopping is a blast. Especially if I’m hungry and feeling generous about what I’m throwing into the cart, in which case the idea of eating two boxes of Dunkaroos seems like a good one. The possibilities are truly endless when the store isn’t crowded and you feel like ingesting everything in it.
Anyway, to provide you and your family with some educational value, I’ve earmarked a few choice items in the store which amuse and/or annoy me to no end.
-Jimmy Dean Pancakes ‘N’ Sausage On A StickThis product provides us with a simple test for life. Do you eat this? Then you have fucking failed at life. This product was invented for the kind of person who also prays for the day they invent a wide-mouth syrup bottle, so that they can eliminate the use of plates, napkins, and utensils altogether.
Who asked for this product? Was there really someone out there who told the Jimmy Dean company, “You know, I love eating breakfast, but I wish it were more like eating a corndog.” The people who eat this are also the kind of people who stop when they see a Yield sign. If you eat this, you may as well eat the stick it comes on. That way you’ll choke. Keep in mind that grocery stores stock only two kinds of items: new items, and items that have a proven sales record. So a small population of people in my vicinity eats this shit regularly. My daughter is not safe.
-Olive LoafI do not get olive loaf. I at least enjoy the illusion that my sliced deli turkey wasn’t originally blasted with a fire hose and then reassembled into a larger solid. Olive loaf leaves no doubt. There’s a minimum age for people who eat olive loaf, and it is just around 87. No one under that age could possibly want anything to do with it. Just looking at it induces peristalsis. Let’s move on.
-Baby CornBaby corn is the veal of the canned vegetable world. Why would you endorse the wholesale slaughter of little baby ears of corn? What did they ever do to you, you heartless bastard?
-The Orange Juice Aisle
Pulp Free OJ. Low Pulp OJ. Calcium OJ. Vitamin D OJ. Calcium & Vitamin D OJ, with extra pulp. OJ with pecans in it. There were 47 different kinds of OJ in the aisle. Five kinds would be overkill. Forty-seven is Darfur-like. How did OJ get this specialized? If you’re this picky about your OJ, do you also go through a box of Rotini and toss out misshapen ones? Want to make a fortune? Sell a product called “Regular fucking orange juice for people who don’t have OCD”. I’ll buy it by the case.
-The Candy at the Checkout Aisle
Imagine being a parent and taking your three-year-old to the grocery store. You’ve survived a full hour of the kid wanting to throw everything he sees into the cart. At last, you’re ready to check out. And what do they have opposite every single fucking register? Enough candy to travel through time. Thanks a lot, grocery man. Looking forward to dealing with that. Why don’t you just use my penis as a rope swing? Asswipe. Is catering to stoned 17 year-olds really worth me burning your store to the ground?
Come back Wednesday for Part 2 of the field trip.
posted by Big Daddy Drew at 10:39 AM
2 Comments:
(pushes glasses back up on nose)
Just to remind you, peristalsis is the satisfied gurgling you get from digesting food (actually, it's the normal contractions of your digestive tract getting your meal into your body cause it was that good). My guess is you didn't mean to say that looking at this marvel of engineering makes you digest food better.
what up, Big Nerd! you da man (woman?)!! med? nursing? either way, nice catch of mr. know-it-all's gross malapropism!!!!
Post a Comment
<< Home