FKS Field Trip: The Local Grocery Store, Part 2
What other random ass shit can be found at the local grocery store? Form a circle so that we can all hear each other…
-Dial For Men
Regular shower soap? That’s for pussies. But, if you take that same soap and put it in a manly-looking bottle (preferably gunmetal grey), then we’re getting somewhere. This bottle even comes in a powerful ergonomic design, so that you can grip it like you would the controls of a fighter jet. Fuck being clean. This soap tells people that you won’t take any of their shit, that you’re an ambitious go-getter, and that you, sir, have immaculate balls. I bought a pallet of it. But not a pallet of this:
-Hormel Pork Tidbits
I think we all know what this really is: Pig balls. Suffice it to say, if the manufacturer himself can’t (or won’t) accurately describe what part of the pig you’re eating, you probably shouldn’t be eating it. Is there a recipe that calls specifically for tidbits?
-Bac-O’s
If you’re putting bacon-flavored Nerds on your salad, you don’t really want salad. You want bacon. So quit fighting it and fry up a couple slices. Bac-O’s don’t even taste like bacon. I’ve had bacon. It tastes good. It does not taste like something the vacuum picked up.
-The Baby Formula Disclaimer
I couldn’t get a photo of this (stupid auto-focus), but I swear to fucking God, on every can of formula powder I buy, there is this disclaimer:
“Add water before feeding.”
I can’t even imagine what the person who prompted this warning looks like. I’d give $5,000 for the look on the person dumb enough to try feeding dried formula powder, through a bottle, to a baby, only to then realize their folly. How are we the most powerful country in the history of mankind? The bar must be set fairly low.
-Fruit Gushers
You know how I said porn ruins fatherhood? It also ruins artificial fruit snacks. I also enjoy how these products advertise that they’re made from real fruit. If I want something made from real fruit, you know what I eat? Fruit. No need to keep this ruse up. Just tell me you formed it in a lab already.
-Graduates Pasta Pickups Chicken & Carrot Ravioli
-Lunchables Mini Hot Dogs
Hey, why wait for your kid to be a fatass? Why not get them used to a sedentary lifestyle right off the bat with the baby equivalent of Chef Boyardee, or a pre-packaged lunch of cold miniwieners? You’ll be grooming them for a lifetime of playing videogames, breathing heavily, and masturbating through their own tears.
-Creamed Chip Beef in a bag
My Dad had to eat this when he was a kid. He called it Shit on a Shingle. I see why. If I can teach the Girl one thing in life, it’s to stay away from meat that comes in cans, jars, tubes, sleeves, or bags. It’s just common sense.
-67 oz. Can of Nesquik
Three pounds of Nesquik is enough to survive the average nuclear holocaust. If you’re so terrified of running out of chocolate milk that you have to buy a can that can also double as a silo, perhaps you should cut back, no?
-Hellman’s Mayonnaise
I fucking hate mayonnaise. Mayonnaise tastes like a fraternity prank. And I hate people who automatically assume that everyone wants their sandwich tainted with this horrid shit. One time I was in England and saw a guy put two heaping tablespoons of mayo on his pasta. I had to leave the room. I had to leave the country. I can’t even talk about it, it’s so horrifying. God, I hate mayo. If the Girl ever prepares me a sandwich with mayo, she’s out of the will.
-Dial For Men
Regular shower soap? That’s for pussies. But, if you take that same soap and put it in a manly-looking bottle (preferably gunmetal grey), then we’re getting somewhere. This bottle even comes in a powerful ergonomic design, so that you can grip it like you would the controls of a fighter jet. Fuck being clean. This soap tells people that you won’t take any of their shit, that you’re an ambitious go-getter, and that you, sir, have immaculate balls. I bought a pallet of it. But not a pallet of this:
-Hormel Pork TidbitsI think we all know what this really is: Pig balls. Suffice it to say, if the manufacturer himself can’t (or won’t) accurately describe what part of the pig you’re eating, you probably shouldn’t be eating it. Is there a recipe that calls specifically for tidbits?
-Bac-O’sIf you’re putting bacon-flavored Nerds on your salad, you don’t really want salad. You want bacon. So quit fighting it and fry up a couple slices. Bac-O’s don’t even taste like bacon. I’ve had bacon. It tastes good. It does not taste like something the vacuum picked up.
-The Baby Formula Disclaimer
I couldn’t get a photo of this (stupid auto-focus), but I swear to fucking God, on every can of formula powder I buy, there is this disclaimer:
“Add water before feeding.”
I can’t even imagine what the person who prompted this warning looks like. I’d give $5,000 for the look on the person dumb enough to try feeding dried formula powder, through a bottle, to a baby, only to then realize their folly. How are we the most powerful country in the history of mankind? The bar must be set fairly low.
-Fruit GushersYou know how I said porn ruins fatherhood? It also ruins artificial fruit snacks. I also enjoy how these products advertise that they’re made from real fruit. If I want something made from real fruit, you know what I eat? Fruit. No need to keep this ruse up. Just tell me you formed it in a lab already.
-Graduates Pasta Pickups Chicken & Carrot Ravioli-Lunchables Mini Hot Dogs
Hey, why wait for your kid to be a fatass? Why not get them used to a sedentary lifestyle right off the bat with the baby equivalent of Chef Boyardee, or a pre-packaged lunch of cold miniwieners? You’ll be grooming them for a lifetime of playing videogames, breathing heavily, and masturbating through their own tears.
-Creamed Chip Beef in a bagMy Dad had to eat this when he was a kid. He called it Shit on a Shingle. I see why. If I can teach the Girl one thing in life, it’s to stay away from meat that comes in cans, jars, tubes, sleeves, or bags. It’s just common sense.
-67 oz. Can of Nesquik
Three pounds of Nesquik is enough to survive the average nuclear holocaust. If you’re so terrified of running out of chocolate milk that you have to buy a can that can also double as a silo, perhaps you should cut back, no?
-Hellman’s MayonnaiseI fucking hate mayonnaise. Mayonnaise tastes like a fraternity prank. And I hate people who automatically assume that everyone wants their sandwich tainted with this horrid shit. One time I was in England and saw a guy put two heaping tablespoons of mayo on his pasta. I had to leave the room. I had to leave the country. I can’t even talk about it, it’s so horrifying. God, I hate mayo. If the Girl ever prepares me a sandwich with mayo, she’s out of the will.
posted by Big Daddy Drew at 10:40 AM
5 Comments:
What bothers me is that more than half of the food products in the store aren't even food; they're edible products.
Drew,
British Food is an oxymoron. I was once served fish-not a piece of fish-but the entire ugly fish, eyes and all, in a bowl full of butter.
I think it might have still been alive.
I learned quickly,and spent an entire year there surviving on candy bars and beer. Why someone in the country that produced Issac Newton didn't come up the idea of, say, Ethiopian Take-Out is beyond me. While there's no actual food in Ethiopia, a styrophome box full of nothing would have been preferable to the "native cuisine."
I fucking hate mayo.
What part of the animal are Hormel Pork Tidbits from? It says it on the label of the bottle that you're holding in your hand: from pork hocks. Unsure where those are from? Use Google.
HI,
You are a Great while writing in the blogs it is awesome I liked it too much...Thanks for the sharing.
Post a Comment
<< Home