I Am A Better Father Than You
I never set out to be a hero. Like, say, John McCain, or Christ, I had greatness thrust upon me. Barring an unforeseen mailtruck accident this afternoon, here are the facts from my stint as a single father:
-Days: 5
-Dead Babies: 0
-Temper Tantrums: 0
-Poopy Diapers: 6
-Commenters that called me a “sick animal”: 1 (I deleted it. Censoring is fun!)
It’s clear now. I can do anything. I can pitch a perfect game. I can bowl 300. I can go 12-12 from three-point range. I can invade Poland, and then waltz into France like I own the place. I can stop the flow of illegal drugs across our border. I can defeat the terrorists. I can apply to Harvard Business as a safety school. I can bat for both power and average.
I can actually give 110%, although it is not physically possible. I can beat the house odds at Spanish Blackjack. I can MAKE money by going to a strip club. I can outrun the majestic gazelle. I can paint masterly works of 19th century impressionist art. I can wake up at 3AM and have fresh brioches ready for everyone to enjoy by six. I can catch a 45 lb. brook trout, and then release it. I can go a round at Winged Foot and hit every green in regulation. I can be both coach and GM. I can play a convincing love interest opposite Renee Zellweger. I can be elected President of Papua/New Guinea.
I can talk to the animals, and walk with the animals. I can beat David Blaine at any contrived test of endurance. I can resolve the standoff between Pakistan and India over the hotly disputed Kashmir region. I can rip off countless Bill Brasky jokes and get away with it. I can believe it’s not butter. It’s not butter, you fucks. It’s margarine. I can win a Tony. I can climb the K12 without supplemental oxygen. I can text message without resorting to shorthand. I can cater a party for 2,000 heads and have every dish arrive piping hot to the table. I can leg press more than Pat Robertson. I can clarify butter instantly. I can anchor The CBS Evening News. I can replace Cliff Burton with no dropoff.
I can do all that. But I think I like hanging out with the Girl.
-Days: 5
-Dead Babies: 0
-Temper Tantrums: 0
-Poopy Diapers: 6
-Commenters that called me a “sick animal”: 1 (I deleted it. Censoring is fun!)
It’s clear now. I can do anything. I can pitch a perfect game. I can bowl 300. I can go 12-12 from three-point range. I can invade Poland, and then waltz into France like I own the place. I can stop the flow of illegal drugs across our border. I can defeat the terrorists. I can apply to Harvard Business as a safety school. I can bat for both power and average.
I can actually give 110%, although it is not physically possible. I can beat the house odds at Spanish Blackjack. I can MAKE money by going to a strip club. I can outrun the majestic gazelle. I can paint masterly works of 19th century impressionist art. I can wake up at 3AM and have fresh brioches ready for everyone to enjoy by six. I can catch a 45 lb. brook trout, and then release it. I can go a round at Winged Foot and hit every green in regulation. I can be both coach and GM. I can play a convincing love interest opposite Renee Zellweger. I can be elected President of Papua/New Guinea.
I can talk to the animals, and walk with the animals. I can beat David Blaine at any contrived test of endurance. I can resolve the standoff between Pakistan and India over the hotly disputed Kashmir region. I can rip off countless Bill Brasky jokes and get away with it. I can believe it’s not butter. It’s not butter, you fucks. It’s margarine. I can win a Tony. I can climb the K12 without supplemental oxygen. I can text message without resorting to shorthand. I can cater a party for 2,000 heads and have every dish arrive piping hot to the table. I can leg press more than Pat Robertson. I can clarify butter instantly. I can anchor The CBS Evening News. I can replace Cliff Burton with no dropoff.
I can do all that. But I think I like hanging out with the Girl.
posted by Big Daddy Drew at 9:04 AM
6 Comments:
easy, pal.
NOBODY can can be both coach and GM except maybe Isiah.
But can you solve that thing that George Clooney is trying to solve?
ANYBODY can invade Poland and then waltz into France. Just check out the history book you forgot to return when you graduated from high school.
Poland: Exists, doesn't exist, invaded and taken over in the amount of time it takes the rest of us to toast an Eggo. Rescued, then occupied. Poland is about as tough as a poodle that just had its hair done.
France: We surrender! (I'm pretty sure those very words are in their National Anthem).
As for the rest of your abilities, you've got me convinced. Except you DEFINITELY can't make better turkey stuffing than me-but I'm not in this contest because I'm not a father.
Glad the Girl survived the week.
But can you eat just one Lay's potato chip?
Doubt it.
You can take on Chuck Norris and only sort-of get killed
Hmmm, I bet you cant do one push up.
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