FKS Field Trip – The Smithsonian National Zoo (Featuring Monkeys And Shit)

Hey, it’s Memorial Day weekend. It’s over 90 degrees in the greater DC area. Let’s go to the zoo, which combines the crowding of amusement parks with the odors of a livestock rodeo! Fuck yeah!

Joining me on our field trip are Mrs. Drew, the Girl, my brother and his wife, and their kid. Their kid is one year and nine months old. I do not want a one-year-and-nine-month old. One-and-niners are like wind-up toys equipped with all the verbal dexterity of Timmy from “South Park.” They also like to throw shit. I’m not looking forward to that.

Before I get into the animals, I have to tell you about one thing we saw before we went into the zoo. It was a homeless guy lying down on a park bench, smoking two cigarettes at one time. Seriously. He had one cigarette in one hand and one in the other, and he alternated puffing between the two. Who double-fists Marlboros? When it’s 8,000 degrees outside? And this guy was homeless. Smoking a cigarette was clearly the most exciting thing he was going to do all day. Learn some patience, buddy. It’s not like you had a packed schedule ahead of you.

Anyway, let’s get right to the hot bestiality action:

-Panda Bears
I don’t get the worldwide hardon raging for panda bears. They’re the most overrated part of the zoo. All they do is sit there and eat bamboo. And to see them, you have to wade through a twenty-deep crowd of Japanese tourists. Hey Japanese people, pandas come from your country. You shouldn’t come to America to see them. You should come to America to buy guns and goat porn like everyone else. Here’s one other thing that annoys me about the zoo in general. There are acres upon acres of space at the zoo, and yet the viewing area to see each animal is roughly the width of a stick of Doublemint. Try thinking about the humans, once in a while, zookeepers. We’re cute little animals, too.

-The Mighty Elephant
Broad. Majestic. Juggernaut of the Sahara. There is much to admire about our friend the elephant. Sadly, not long after this picture was taken, ivory hunters gunned down this beautiful creature, hacked off her tusks, and used her ample hide to build an exclusive resort of wigwam villas. Sad, really.

-Zebras
The least fashionable of all animals. It’s like a horse wearing Zubaz pants. Not a good look.

-Lions
You know what the easiest job in the world is? Lion tamer. What taming needs to be done? Zoo signs say the lion only gets up and hunts and dusk, if at all. The rest of the day it just sits there on its fat ass like Kathleen Turner. King of the jungle, my ass. Well, you know what? I’m not playing that shit. I looked for a parking spot outside this zoo for 10 whole minutes, and I demand to be entertained. You’re in my home country, lion, which means you need to adjust to my culture, bitch. A zookeeper should stick a cattle prod up that lion’s ass every 5 minutes so that I can watch it roar like the lion in the MGM logo. That’s how we roll in America.

-Badass Muthaphuckkin’ Gorillas
This gorilla could clearly benefit from the benefits of Victoria’s Secret Ipex technology. I have only two real problems with gorillas: 1) They remind me of the movie “Congo,” which sucked, and 2) They remind me of Britney Spears. No one ever talks about the fact that Britney Spears has a neck like a fucking linebacker, even before she became a walking Bob Evans Restaurant. This annoys me to no end for some reason. Otherwise, gorillas are the best part of the zoo. They look cool, they interact with one another, they make funny sounds, and there’s always the lingering chance of a shitfight. Good stuff.

Later on, this gorilla found a stick. And when she threw the stick up in the air, it turned into a spaceship! Trippy shit.

-Giant Tortoise
This tortoise has lived for over 150 years and has taken a grand total of four steps. A real firecracker, this one. What’s it say about you when a nearby boulder has more agility than you do? When I saw this tortoise, I immediately jumped on top of him and screamed out, “Eat shit, Koopa Troopa!” Then I threw his shell at all the evil mushrooms.

-Prairie Dogs
Tell me you don’t want to whack these guys with a giant plush mallet. The urge is just overwhelming.

-Wild Fucking Boars
Now we’re talking. Speaking of urges, all I wanted to do when I saw these savage beasts was find a big stick, whittle it down to a razor sharp point, paint my face with burnt ash, and hunt the fuckers down. Then I’d impale a boar’s head on my hunting stick, beat the living shit out of Piggy, and rule my island kingdom with an iron fist. But maybe that’s just me.

-The Zoo Plant Life
Uh, okay. Let’s just move on.

-Kangaroos
I just want to put boxing gloves on this bastard and fight him to the death. What’s in the pocket of those ‘Roos? My steel-toed boot, that’s what.

-The Hippo Pool (not pictured)
You see a sign that says “Hippos.” You get excited for some Badass hippo fighting. You go to the hippo pool. You look around for the hippo. You try and see the silhouette of the hippo in the pool. You think to yourself, “Where is the motherfucking hippo?” And then you see the sign that says the hippos are being kept inside today. Thanks for the experience, Mr. Zookeeper. That was fun.

All in all, a fun experience. Now let’s never do it again.