The FKS Guide To Dating Other Heterosexual Men

I date other men. It wasn’t always supposed to be this way. My ambition at 22 was to live in Manhattan for a few years, then head out to LA, produce movies, live in a house on stilts, snort only the finest yayo, and nail every vaginally-advantaged person I could along the way. I still believe that plan had some really strong points.

But you know how this story ends. I met Mrs. Drew, quickly realized she was the only sane woman left on Earth, and immediately married her. Excellent move. Second smartest thing I’ve ever done, next to getting out of grand jury duty. So no regrets there. Well, maybe one.

Mrs. Drew talked me into moving down to DC two and a half years ago. I have no friends from high school or college here, so I’ve had to go through the fun experience of making new friends, either with the husbands of all of Mrs. Drew’s friends, or with people at work. This is basically the same as dating. You try and find people who have similar interests. Then you see if you have chemistry. Then, you decide if you want to spend more time together. And then, of course, you have hot buttsex.

Everything has been reversed. The same flirting and chasing I used to do with chicks I now do with guys. And I can't even begin to tell you how gay that is. Gayer that the gayest gay that has ever gayed. Regardless, I’ve netted a decent friend or two out of this process, but there are rules you need to follow when you’re dating your fellow man, and here they are:

-How To Ask Another Man Out
This can be done by email or over the phone and should consist of only five words: “Hey, wanna grab some beers?” Any longer than that, and you’re a flaming queer. And, for God’s sake, don’t ask him to dinner. Fucking the guy would be less awkward.

-Dress Code
Shirt. Sneakers. Jeans. Old baseball cap of a legitimate college/NFL/MLB/NBA sports team. Any more formal than that and you may as well bring your assless chaps.

-Never Date A Guy Who Isn’t Into Sports
You wouldn’t believe the number of men I’ve met down here who have barely any interest in sports. They’d rather talk about things like “the war”, or “the stock market”, or “why Drew likes to put his hand on his sack and then smell it”. I can talk to Mrs. Drew about shit like that. That’s what she’s there for. I need another guy to discuss important shit, like Vikings’ glaring need for wideout depth, or why Stuart Scott needs to be humanely destroyed. Mrs. Drew is beyond worthless for this. The point of making friends is so you can talk about shit with them that you can’t with the wife. So make sure the guy you’re into likes sports. Unless he’s a Packer fan, in which case he can pull a Sonny Bono for all I care.

-Make Sure He’s The Reliable Sort
You have a wife and/or a kid. Getting free time to use for the express purpose of drinking is hard to come by. You gotta find a potential friend who is ready to drink when you are. There’s no point in making friends with someone if you have to actually make an effort with them. That’s what women do with each other, and it sucks.

-Make Sure He Drinks
Drinking is awesome and promotes dick jokes. If the guy you’re going out with doesn’t drink, you may as well befriend a fucking tree.

-Mention The Fact That You Have Other Friends That You Did Lots of Awesome Shit With
No one wants to be friends with a loser. Make sure you tell at least one story about the time you pissed somewhere you weren’t supposed to piss.

-Rules About Calling
If you and the guy have a good time, call him again two weeks later. Any sooner and you’ll look desperate. If he doesn't like you, he won’t call back. Move on. Find a new man-crush. And if you don’t like the guy, never call him back. You don’t want to be stuck with a friend you don’t actually like. Again, that’s what women do with each other, and it sucks.

-Bring Astroglide, a Stick of Butter, and a Pair of Flippers
Hey, you never know.