Incidents in the Life of a Slave Boy
The other day I told Mrs. Drew I was going upstairs to take a shower. Here was her response:
“You can’t take a shower, because all the towels are in the washer. Actually, will you go downstairs, put the towels in the dryer, and then put a load of whites in the washer?”
And that, my friends, is adulthood in a nutshell. One minute I’m about to take a nice, hot shower. Maybe even rub some body wash on my penis. The next minute I’m doing manual labor. Shit. This never would have happened if I were alone and unhappy.
The depressing thing about chores is that they never end. Clothes and dishes will always get dirty again. Garbage will always pile up. Weeds will always grow. There’s almost something existential about how hard they suck. But I’ll let an actual writer tackle the gayness of that idea. No, I’m here to grade each individual chore, on my patented Scale of Annoyance™:
1 – Stubbed Toe
2 – Canker Sore
3 – Slow Cashier at the Grocery Store
4 – Cancer
5 – Episode of “Sex and the City”
As you can see, any chore that ranks a 5 is pretty goddamn annoying. Let’s see how badly these tasks destroy my will to live:
-Emptying the Dishwasher
We have a dishwasher. You must thoroughly rinse any dish before placing it into the dishwasher. You can imagine the confusion this causes in my tiny little brain. Once a week, I’ll open the dishwasher, stare at the dishes, and ask myself: Are these dishes clean or are they dirty, and how quickly can the bloodstream absorb a cyanide tablet? I’ve unloaded dirty dishes from the dishwasher. I’ve rewashed dishes that were already clean. They make paper plates, utensils, and cups, you know. You can just throw them away when you’re done eating. That sounds like bliss to me. But noooooooo, we have to live all classy and shit. Annoyance Factor™: 2
-Washing Pots and Pans
I used to think Thanksgiving was the greatest holiday ever, until I realized that every Thanksgiving I’m forced to A) Hang out with family members who irritate me, B) Watch the Detroit Lions try and play football, and C) Wash roughly 900 pots and pans. The wreckage after Thanksgiving Day dinner is just brutal. It’s like cleaning up after Katrina. Not fun.
Oh, and I’d just like to say here that items that are not dishwasher-safe should be outlawed. Take steak knives, for instance. The steak knife is the biggest pussy in the utensil population. How ironic. Oh, you can cut a 64 oz. porterhouse, but a little Cascade ruins your shit? You disgust me, steak knife. The sundae spoon owns you. Loser. Annoyance Factor™: 3
-Laundry
Women always make men feel so dumb when they explain how laundry works. “You just put all the whites in hot, and all the colors in cold.” Well all right, Super Teacher Lady. But what about my white boxers with blue polka dots? Huh? What the fuck do I do with those?! Riddle me that, Batman! Annoyance Factor™: 3
-Taking Out The Garbage/Recycling
I have no beef with taking out the garbage, except for one thing. Mrs. Drew always asks me to spray a little Lysol in the garbage can before I replace the bag. Fine. I can do that without starting a fire. But this is where Mrs. Drew displays her knack for placing things at the very back of the lowest possible shelf. Reaching for that can of Lysol is like visiting a Dominican chiropractor. Thanks, Mrs. Drew! I had no idea nerves could send pain signals to the brain so quickly! Annoyance Factor™: 1
-Vacuuming
I never vacuumed when I was single. And my apartment in New York had wall-to-wall carpeting. The resulting death spores probably took 10 years off my life. I say it was worth it. Annoyance Factor™: 4
-Watering the Plants
Now this is a great fucking chore. All you have to do is stand there and spray water on shit. You also get a free hand to do things like hold a beer, or vigorously masturbate. I like to pretend I’m in the “Nothin’ But a G Thang” video and I’m hosing down that one cold bitch at the party with St. Ides. That’ll teach her not to put out! I also like to talk to the plants. I tell them, “I am giving you life, bitches. Don’t you ever forget it.” Annoyance Factor™: 0
-Making the Bed
I am incapable of making a bed properly. When I try and make the bed, it invariably ends up looking like Green Day just played a three-hour show on it. And we have a comforter! It’s not like I have a sheet AND blanket to deal with. If that were the case, the sheet would probably end up in my ass somehow. Annoyance Factor™: 1
-Yardwork
Can’t do it. That’s my reward for two back surgeries. Maybe I’ll get a third. Annoyance Factor™: N/A
You might be saying to yourself, “Hey Drew, nothing here ranks a 5? Is there no chore worse than having to watch horse-faced Sarah Jessica Parker try and be funny?” And the answer to that question, of course, is a resounding no.
“You can’t take a shower, because all the towels are in the washer. Actually, will you go downstairs, put the towels in the dryer, and then put a load of whites in the washer?”
And that, my friends, is adulthood in a nutshell. One minute I’m about to take a nice, hot shower. Maybe even rub some body wash on my penis. The next minute I’m doing manual labor. Shit. This never would have happened if I were alone and unhappy.
The depressing thing about chores is that they never end. Clothes and dishes will always get dirty again. Garbage will always pile up. Weeds will always grow. There’s almost something existential about how hard they suck. But I’ll let an actual writer tackle the gayness of that idea. No, I’m here to grade each individual chore, on my patented Scale of Annoyance™:
1 – Stubbed Toe
2 – Canker Sore
3 – Slow Cashier at the Grocery Store
4 – Cancer
5 – Episode of “Sex and the City”
As you can see, any chore that ranks a 5 is pretty goddamn annoying. Let’s see how badly these tasks destroy my will to live:
-Emptying the Dishwasher
We have a dishwasher. You must thoroughly rinse any dish before placing it into the dishwasher. You can imagine the confusion this causes in my tiny little brain. Once a week, I’ll open the dishwasher, stare at the dishes, and ask myself: Are these dishes clean or are they dirty, and how quickly can the bloodstream absorb a cyanide tablet? I’ve unloaded dirty dishes from the dishwasher. I’ve rewashed dishes that were already clean. They make paper plates, utensils, and cups, you know. You can just throw them away when you’re done eating. That sounds like bliss to me. But noooooooo, we have to live all classy and shit. Annoyance Factor™: 2
-Washing Pots and Pans
I used to think Thanksgiving was the greatest holiday ever, until I realized that every Thanksgiving I’m forced to A) Hang out with family members who irritate me, B) Watch the Detroit Lions try and play football, and C) Wash roughly 900 pots and pans. The wreckage after Thanksgiving Day dinner is just brutal. It’s like cleaning up after Katrina. Not fun.
Oh, and I’d just like to say here that items that are not dishwasher-safe should be outlawed. Take steak knives, for instance. The steak knife is the biggest pussy in the utensil population. How ironic. Oh, you can cut a 64 oz. porterhouse, but a little Cascade ruins your shit? You disgust me, steak knife. The sundae spoon owns you. Loser. Annoyance Factor™: 3
-Laundry
Women always make men feel so dumb when they explain how laundry works. “You just put all the whites in hot, and all the colors in cold.” Well all right, Super Teacher Lady. But what about my white boxers with blue polka dots? Huh? What the fuck do I do with those?! Riddle me that, Batman! Annoyance Factor™: 3
-Taking Out The Garbage/Recycling
I have no beef with taking out the garbage, except for one thing. Mrs. Drew always asks me to spray a little Lysol in the garbage can before I replace the bag. Fine. I can do that without starting a fire. But this is where Mrs. Drew displays her knack for placing things at the very back of the lowest possible shelf. Reaching for that can of Lysol is like visiting a Dominican chiropractor. Thanks, Mrs. Drew! I had no idea nerves could send pain signals to the brain so quickly! Annoyance Factor™: 1
-Vacuuming
I never vacuumed when I was single. And my apartment in New York had wall-to-wall carpeting. The resulting death spores probably took 10 years off my life. I say it was worth it. Annoyance Factor™: 4
-Watering the Plants
Now this is a great fucking chore. All you have to do is stand there and spray water on shit. You also get a free hand to do things like hold a beer, or vigorously masturbate. I like to pretend I’m in the “Nothin’ But a G Thang” video and I’m hosing down that one cold bitch at the party with St. Ides. That’ll teach her not to put out! I also like to talk to the plants. I tell them, “I am giving you life, bitches. Don’t you ever forget it.” Annoyance Factor™: 0
-Making the Bed
I am incapable of making a bed properly. When I try and make the bed, it invariably ends up looking like Green Day just played a three-hour show on it. And we have a comforter! It’s not like I have a sheet AND blanket to deal with. If that were the case, the sheet would probably end up in my ass somehow. Annoyance Factor™: 1
-Yardwork
Can’t do it. That’s my reward for two back surgeries. Maybe I’ll get a third. Annoyance Factor™: N/A
You might be saying to yourself, “Hey Drew, nothing here ranks a 5? Is there no chore worse than having to watch horse-faced Sarah Jessica Parker try and be funny?” And the answer to that question, of course, is a resounding no.
posted by Big Daddy Drew at 9:19 AM
5 Comments:
You have forgotten your days in that NYC appartment, haven't you! I'm willing to gamble that you did not have a dishwasher then...
Washing all of the dishes in the sink might be as annoying as SJP.
Might.
I have a question:
Does the 'comforter' you mentioned actually bring you comfort? Or just warmth?
Sarah Jessica Parker....
Luckiest person on the planet. She's homely, can't act, and starred in a show SO stupid on so many levels even I couldn't watch it (and I can watch most anything. But I'd rather sit through a Barney marathon than watch even 5 minutes of that retarded show Sex & the City-every episode should've began with a "Warning: This show is not intended for any adult with a fully developed cerebral cortex.")
But Sarah Jessica Parker somehow convinced the world that she's
a. Attractive
b. Talented
c. Funny and clever
I personally think there was some kind of conspiracy involving subliminal messages, lazer beams from the television set and alien mind control that made people watch. It's the only logical conclusion.
LOVE this post, especially the puss steak knives.
The word "chores" makes me feel like Laura Ingalls, and the word "housekeeping" like June Cleaver. But I love both shows so it doesn't bother me.
"Dominican chiropractor"? I'll take that as a shout out, even though you had no way of knowing I was Dominican. (Hey, I takes what I can get!)
Dishwashers irritate the hell out of me. I prefer to just wash the dishes, and get it over with right then and there...
Metschick79
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