The Proper Number of Kids for Optimum Awesomeness
Here’s a question I get a lot:
“So, how many kids do you think you want to have?”
Why do you care? Do you find the number of people like me on Earth alarmingly deficient? Do you want to see how many kids it takes for me to go into financial ruin, so that you can then adjust your own number accordingly? Are you planning on stealing Mrs. Drew’s eggs if she has no intention of using them? Questions like this make me think about shit, and I fucking hate that.
It seems odd coming from me, but sometimes I wonder if Mrs. Drew and I should go all batshit Mormon and just try and have as many kids as possible. Here’s why. Britney Spears has already announced that she is having another kid. That’s a second extra jackass of hers that will now join the population. You can’t just let that stand. You have to balance that shit out. This country is already headed in a seemingly inescapable downward spiral toward complete and utter douchebaggery. It’s up to people like Mrs. Drew and I to restock the human trout farm with sane, capable human beings. People that can do things like point out water on a map, or unwrap a straw. There’s no way Britney’s children will be able to do that.
So how many to have? Well, zero’s out. Having no kids is stupid anyway. If you’re married for 40 years and have no kids, what do you talk about? I’ve had friends that meet new girls and then tell me, “God, I could just talk to her all night.” Oh yeah? Not ten years later, you can’t. And who’s gonna pay for my funeral? I want to be blasted out of a Navy battleship while a live orchestra plays “Whole Lotta Rosie” by AC/DC. It’ll be like Hunter S. Thompson’s funeral, only awesomer. You need a kid to foot that tab.
What about one kid, which is what we have now? Meh. I’m not down with the whole only child thing. I made this statistic up, but only children are 97% more likely to have an imaginary friend who wants to murder you. That’s a fact. Damien from “The Omen”? Only child. Rosemary’s baby? Only child. Only children also get all the attention, which makes them think they’re “special”, and that’s a lie. Plus, what if it dies? You need that extra kid to punish with your grief.
Two kids are a little more sensible. Two kids can make their own fun. They don’t need me. I can leave them to claw each other’s eyes out while I go lay in a hammock. Mrs. Drew comes from a family of four. You will not find a more normal human being in this lifetime or the next. Plus, four is two squared. And numbers mean shit!
I happen to come from a family of five. Here’s how a family of five often comes to pass: a couple has two children of the same sex, so they reluctantly decide to try one last shot at balancing out the gender count, which is like staying at the blackjack table after you’ve already lost the deed to your house and pawned off your blood. The other problem with a family of five is the restaurant factor. Restaurants love to squeeze a family of five at a four-top. Which means someone gets that end-of-the-table bitch seat. That’s bullshit. I want the round table, dammit! Or the long booth! Five people equals a six-top. Period. You fucking maitre’d assholes.
As for four kids or more, forget it. Three is tempting fate already. You have four kids or more, one of them will be a fuck-up. Guaranteed. They’ll end up like Tom Hulce in Parenthood, where they move to Peru and have a kid they name Cool. And that’s just a 1980’s douchebag. Douchebags have evolved into far worse in this century. One of the kids will slip through the cracks and land straight in the douche. Parental attention has a half-life. The more kids you have, the smaller share of attention each gets. In fact, let’s do a mathematical hypothesis of it:
If (100% of Your Attention)/(Number of Children) < 33%, that means > 0 Fucking Losers will be produced.
Two to three kids it is.
“So, how many kids do you think you want to have?”
Why do you care? Do you find the number of people like me on Earth alarmingly deficient? Do you want to see how many kids it takes for me to go into financial ruin, so that you can then adjust your own number accordingly? Are you planning on stealing Mrs. Drew’s eggs if she has no intention of using them? Questions like this make me think about shit, and I fucking hate that.
It seems odd coming from me, but sometimes I wonder if Mrs. Drew and I should go all batshit Mormon and just try and have as many kids as possible. Here’s why. Britney Spears has already announced that she is having another kid. That’s a second extra jackass of hers that will now join the population. You can’t just let that stand. You have to balance that shit out. This country is already headed in a seemingly inescapable downward spiral toward complete and utter douchebaggery. It’s up to people like Mrs. Drew and I to restock the human trout farm with sane, capable human beings. People that can do things like point out water on a map, or unwrap a straw. There’s no way Britney’s children will be able to do that.
So how many to have? Well, zero’s out. Having no kids is stupid anyway. If you’re married for 40 years and have no kids, what do you talk about? I’ve had friends that meet new girls and then tell me, “God, I could just talk to her all night.” Oh yeah? Not ten years later, you can’t. And who’s gonna pay for my funeral? I want to be blasted out of a Navy battleship while a live orchestra plays “Whole Lotta Rosie” by AC/DC. It’ll be like Hunter S. Thompson’s funeral, only awesomer. You need a kid to foot that tab.
What about one kid, which is what we have now? Meh. I’m not down with the whole only child thing. I made this statistic up, but only children are 97% more likely to have an imaginary friend who wants to murder you. That’s a fact. Damien from “The Omen”? Only child. Rosemary’s baby? Only child. Only children also get all the attention, which makes them think they’re “special”, and that’s a lie. Plus, what if it dies? You need that extra kid to punish with your grief.
Two kids are a little more sensible. Two kids can make their own fun. They don’t need me. I can leave them to claw each other’s eyes out while I go lay in a hammock. Mrs. Drew comes from a family of four. You will not find a more normal human being in this lifetime or the next. Plus, four is two squared. And numbers mean shit!
I happen to come from a family of five. Here’s how a family of five often comes to pass: a couple has two children of the same sex, so they reluctantly decide to try one last shot at balancing out the gender count, which is like staying at the blackjack table after you’ve already lost the deed to your house and pawned off your blood. The other problem with a family of five is the restaurant factor. Restaurants love to squeeze a family of five at a four-top. Which means someone gets that end-of-the-table bitch seat. That’s bullshit. I want the round table, dammit! Or the long booth! Five people equals a six-top. Period. You fucking maitre’d assholes.
As for four kids or more, forget it. Three is tempting fate already. You have four kids or more, one of them will be a fuck-up. Guaranteed. They’ll end up like Tom Hulce in Parenthood, where they move to Peru and have a kid they name Cool. And that’s just a 1980’s douchebag. Douchebags have evolved into far worse in this century. One of the kids will slip through the cracks and land straight in the douche. Parental attention has a half-life. The more kids you have, the smaller share of attention each gets. In fact, let’s do a mathematical hypothesis of it:
If (100% of Your Attention)/(Number of Children) < 33%, that means > 0 Fucking Losers will be produced.
Two to three kids it is.
posted by Big Daddy Drew at 10:51 AM
11 Comments:
Damn straight, Drew!
What this world needs is LESS stupid.
And MORE people who hate mayonnaise!
Three kids also helps out their children later in life. The kids will most likely have one cool aunt/uncle and one cheap douchebag.
Well technically, GW Bush is Rosemary's Baby's half-brother.
Yeah, more than three and they're down at the Berea library doing God knows what. Just hope you're a combat vet.
Your odds of a hetero child goes up, one pillow biter, one taco eater and one breeder - perfect!
You forgot the amusement park factor Drew. If you have an odd number and manage to space them out correctly, one of them won't be able to go on the cool rides with the other two and will be totally humiliated that they have to go on, say, The Death Drop, with their mother.
And if you don't space them out correctly, you'll spend many more years than you could possibly endure riding in teacups and mini coasters. And since The Girl is still little, you've already got a LOT of teacups in your future.
These are important family planning considerations.
..and you know what goes with teacups? Teabags. Just saying. Logical association-- teabagging is in your near future. But what do I know? I'm 30 and still single (insert Liberace reference here).
no you've got it all wrong ... i welcome stupid parents breeding ... the more stupid kids in the world, the less your own kids have to produce; all the britney jrs in the world lower the bar for my children (oh you're in 12th grade and can read? welcome to harvard)
Your best post yet!
I come from a family of two children. I guess that helps explain why I kick ass.
You should check out the movie Idiocracy. It's all about a population of...well, idiots.
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