The Asshole List
This is only a relative sampling of the general Asshole population. There are certainly people here who I have missed or omitted for the sake of comedy. Feel free to add your own in the comments. But don’t fucking write some shit like, “Hey, my friend Steve is an asshole! You should put him on there!” No one knows who your friend is, and you’re a fucking douche if you propose something like that.
That said, the following people are Assholes:
-The Ghost of Christmas Future. Look, Scrooge is asshole. No doubt about it. But this fuckface won’t even talk to the guy.
-DC Cab Drivers. DC has the worst cab system in the world. You can’t drop a friend off somewhere else during the ride, or else it’s treated like a separate fare. Are you fucking kidding me?
-The guy who clogs up the office toilet with a huge growler and leaves it (I do this)
-Michael Jordan (his assholishness has been well-documented, which actually makes him a more interesting person in retrospect. Maybe Tiger Woods should beat up a busboy. Might make him seem more human.)
-God. But not Jesus. God is the Marv Marinovich of divine parenting.
-Adolf Hitler and most Nazis (that Schindler guy was okay)
-Any police officer with a mustache (which in essence means any police officer)
-Any Irish police officer with a club handy (valid only if you’re black and live in Boston)
-Stalin (love the mustache though)
-Your older brother. My older brother pinned me down and drooled one me and also routinely tickled me until I threw up. Bastard.
-The Turks. Note: Mrs. Drew is half-Armenian, so I have to put the Turks here. She’s also half-German, which means she spends most of the day persecuting herself.
-The warden in "Shawshank Redemption". A quick note: there is nothing more gratifying than an asshole getting killed in a movie, and nothing more frustrating than when the asshole doesn’t get a cap in his ass.
-The guy handling the keg tap who pours beer for every single person in the goddamn universe before finally getting around to you. He’s seen you! He fucking knows you’re there! What the fuck did you do to deserve this shit?
-Any Lawyer. Nothing is worse than someone is both an asshole and a complete bore.
-Anyone who works in finance. Oh, you only got a $50,000 bonus this year? Oh, boo fucking hoo. I hope your house in the Hamptons suffers from erosion. Erosion!
-O.J.
-The hunter who killed Bambi’s mom.
-Santa Claus (seasonal)
-The guys in the frat house who tell you you’re "part of a brotherhood" before making you fellate a sheep during Pledge Week
-NBA analyst and hairplug victim Peter Vecsey. Hey Vecsey, your jokes aren’t funny. Maybe Jimmy Fallon will hire you.
-Every boy age 5-13, all little assholes
-Sharpton
-Howard Stern (for the record, I’m a huge fan)
-The editorial staff of the New York Post (Times editorial staff goes on the douchebag list)
-The asshole who took Boo Berry cereal off the market. This was a fantastic cereal, almost as good as when they put out the limited edition Crunch Berries that was ALL Crunch Berries. I saw that in the store one time and almost wet myself with excitement.
-Joe DiMaggio
-Billy Martin
-Mickey Mantle
-George Steinbrenner (God, it’s like the Yankees are the cradle of Asshole civilization)
-Ted Williams (Until you consider the Red Sox and their fans)
-Tom Clancy (I saw him lecture when I was abroad at school. He’s one of the biggest assholes on the planet. “Red October” the movie was fucking Badass, though.)
-bin Laden (durka durka durka)
-Bryant Gumbel (“Do you like my self-consciously smooth, palatable delivery of news and opinion? Am I being smarmy enough? Let me check around and see if I can find just a touch more smarm.”)
-Everyone responsible for the condom. Seriously, there has to be another way to avoid the HIV. What if there was some sort of post-coital bleach?
-Bob Knight, who actually goes by “Bobby”, which is a strongly preferred name for assholes. It’s a complete mystery to me. It’s like how anyone named “Cody” is a douchebag. I don’t know why. It just is.
-Tommy Lasorda. Irwin Fletcher backs me up on this.
-The Vice Principal of your high school (he always punished kids because the principal was too gutless. Fucker.)
-Any non-white gang member (see douchebag section for white gangs)
-Darth Vader (pre-Emperor disposal)
-Germans who don’t tip when they come to the U.S.
-Rock band The Eagles and the DJs who actually think "Hotel California" is a good song.
-The guy Al Pacino played in "Heat". If De Niro wins at the end of that flick, it rivals “The Godfather”. But they had to go and fuck it all up. Nice job, Michael Mann, if that is your real name.
-Almost any Mexican bartender. Look, I know I don’t have a vagina, but my pesos are just as good as anyone else’s.
-Dennis Miller and Bill Maher. True, sometimes comics are more insightful about the world than most other people. But when they know that to be the case, it’s a recipe for assholedom.
-Proponents of cockfighting (the kind with chickens, not penises like in the movie “Skin Deep”, which is highly underrated)
-Most any Fortune 500 CEO. You don’t get to the top by loving your wife and paying attention to your children.
-All bouncers
-Smurf nemesis Gargamel. Will you just kill that fucking cat already? All it does is fuck up! Johan and Pee Wee could figure that shit out!
-Traffic cops who make you take a detour with no way to get back to the main road. This actually happened to me once. Mother. Fuckers.
-Pete Rose (Note: belongs in the Grade A class, beats Ty Cobb for baseball’s King Asshole)
-Anyone who has more money than me
-Whoever’s President during a game of Asshole. The Asshole, ironically, is actually a douchebag.
-Joe Pesci’s character in any feature film
-The drill sergeant in "Full Metal Jacket" (perhaps the funniest asshole in the history of cinema)
-Any guy who steals porn from another guy. I, shockingly, have never done this. It’s as if I respect the sanctity of masturbation too much to infringe upon it.
-The Emperor in "Star Wars"
-The guy Kevin Costner plays in any Kevin Costner movie. Talk, damn you! You’re the main character! Fucking talk!
-Barry Bonds
-The Terminator in "The Terminator"
-Roger Clemens
-My Dad at a fancy restaurant. Waiters, this man will bring down hellfire and brimstone upon you if you serve that halibut to the wrong person. So study that table chart carefully.
-Andy Sipowicz on "NYPD Blue" – TV’s most lovable racist!
-The two brothers in Oasis
-The one roommate who eats all the food you bought and then bitches about how there’s nothing to eat. Again, I have never done this.
-Michael Corleone. There are some who may say Michael is a Badass, but that is wrong. His father is the Badass. Michael almost makes the douchebag list because he’s deluded himself into thinking that he’s protecting his family. But he’s just too cold to belong there. He goes here.
-Any rapper on MTV Cribs who shows off everything he bought after he got his advance that will soon be taken away because he got all of it with bad credit.
posted by Big Daddy Drew at 11:38 AM
20 Comments:
-Alec Baldwin’s character in Glen Gary, Glenn Ross: the “coffee’s for closers” asshole!
-Tom Cruise: Because Scientology is the religion for assholes, and he he’s their marketing rep. And because he’s Tom Fucking Cruise. Asshole.
-Suri Cruise: Fake asshole daughter whose parents are a major asshole and a brain-washed asshole.
-Bill Belichick: The mumbling, dressed like a hobo, “genius” asshole.
-Shawn Kemp: Because there are about 1,001 Little Assholes of his running around in the world.
-A-Rod: I’d say he’s borderline douche bag. But he makes way too much fuckin money, plays for the Yankees, rubs his bat against his cock before at-bats and has a face that just screams, “Hey look at me, I’m an asshole!”
-My Dad: Because he walks around in the sweltering sticky-balls mugginess of summer and says, “How about this heat?” to people.
-Dennis Leary: Because he’s an asshole and he’s proud of it.
References to Skin Deep and Gargamel. Nicely done.
Sometimes I park
In handicapped spaces
While handicapped people
Make handicapped faces
oh and I think Tom Cruise is a douchebag. Drew, we need a ruling.
DC Cab Drivers-
Why they have no Fare box in the cars is beyond me. No its not west Africe so please stop smoking and speak english!
Tom Clancy- His books are totally badass. But yes he should never be allowed to speak. Ive never seen a more bitter rich guy. He acts as if he is seding his entire fortune to someone else. His Larry King inteview was one of the most bitter ever. Smile u motherfucking nerd, smile!
I agree with Silky, Tom is a douchebag.
BDD, I think Jordan has assholish tendencies, but I think he's a bad ass. Similar to what you said about yourself, he may do shit an asshole would, but he is above being just an asshole.
Tom Cruise is an asshole, not a douchebag. Check the definition in the previous post.
The Marine DI -- R. Lee Ermey -- in Full Metal Jacket is a Badass. The Asshole is Private Pyle, who spends three months bringing extra punishment on the rest of his platoon through his fuck-ups, then makes a big fucking mess in the head on firewatch. What an asshole.
Andy Sipowitz? An asshole? Perhaps God will forgive you for insulting the BEST television character ever created. But God's on the Asshole list too, so I guess I'm alone on this one.
How about Johnny "Benedict Arnold Turncoat" Damon?
Semper Fi, CC!
The "How Many Licks Does it Take?" owl. Asshole.
What about the guy who saddles up to the urinal right next to you when there's 9 other open ones in the restroom?
Douchebag? Asshole? I fucking hate that guy.
Phil Collins must be the asshole of all assholes. Not only does he inflict his excetable music on the world, he dumped his second wife and kids by fax(!) for a woman 20 years younger. I hear they too have just broken up. Karma's a bitch.
P.S. What no dubya?
Kevin Bacon is always playing some sort of an asshole..
and Kim Jong Il has to rank up there too...
Mrs. Drew is half Armenian? What's her maiden name? Drewian? BigDaddian? Incubatian? Vikingian? Donna Reedian? I must know Drew.
You forgot:
- Guys in line who wait until they get to the front of the line and then decide what to order
- Al Gore - an asshole who said he invented the Internet
- Tommy Lee
- Anyone in France
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Agreed, CC.
R. Lee Ermy = BadAss. The DI or Officer has to play Asshole so that the Pvt. Pyle's of the world don't get the Good Shits killed. John Wayne or Tom Hanks or Sean Connery or Gene Hackman (A Bridge Too Far) plays the Asshole General/Col./Maj./Capt./Sgt. that keeps the Good Shits alive and saves the Douchebag/Asshole. The damnable thing is that in every movie, at least one Good Shit does get killed and it's usually the douchebag/assholes' fault.
Charles Barkley = Asshole. I don't see why I'd have to explain this.
Michael Irvin belongs on the list too.
Stephen A. Smith. "The Schwab" would be a bad ass if he wasn't so cocky, but has to play it up cause he can't fucking know EVERYTHING. Wingo is an asshole, but he's too obvious to make the additions to your list.
Smith, however, is an asshole under the Bryant Gumbel Clause... then again, most of the talking heads at the Worldwide Leader are flirting with the line between douchebag and asshole.
Matthew McConaughey. Would be just another Hollywood Douchebag, except he's made Austin his permanent residence so he can hit younger, less Hollywood-jaded tail around the Univ. of Texas. Cockblocking college guys who are trying their best for girls you don't give a shit about... douchebag.
Doing it by just stepping in front, flashing a smile at the girl and expecting her to recognize you and fuck you on the bar because you're a celebrity? Asshole. It's 2/4ths of a level below "You're with me, Leather."
He shares this same Austinite douchebag attitude as Roger Clemens and Lance Armstrong. At least Clemens is faithful to his wife and kids.
Re: Clemens
Either that, or his wife and kids don't know. Or maybe he is faithful, but pisses off too many people to engage in an affair.
I would say my college roommate is an asshole. He thought he was a Bad Ass, but he was sadly mistaken. Of course, he would argue that I'm a whiny douchebag....which I probably am.
But anyone who headbutts people while drunk at a party is an asshole. Not to mention laughing off getting told that everyone at college wants to kick his ass for pissing them off so much.
Faux-Bad Asses should be next. This is great.
Dude, your asshole article is sweet. Here's one that reminded me of you:
http://jason.mikomi.org/ys/
Happy Holidays or whatever. Why don't you pick on this random asshole for a bit?
Speaking of assholes, it makes me think of this really frothy latte I had the other day. I mean, froth? In one end out the other, like santorum. They guy who made my latte was an asshole too.
ps. you too
also anyone who doesn't like gta 4
a-rod is a douchtastic asshole
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