The Douchebag List
Before I delve into this, it’s important to note that the Aggressive Douchebag of the modern era also goes by the name of poseur. If you see any guy sporting the following:
-Popped collar
-Frosted or spiked tips
-Jeep Wrangler
-Lacrosse stick
-Barbed wire tattoo
-Arrogant smirk and/or an absolutely enraging sense of self-satisfaction
Run away. Or else this guy will have you drinking Franzia and listening to the Beastie Boys in no time. Beware!
Again, this is a mere sampling. If you have any issues with this list, feel free to add to it in the comments. The following people are douchebags:
-The Gotti children. I’m not lying when I say the world would be better off if these children were dead. Like Paris Hilton, these people are sociopaths who haven’t killed anyone yet because they are too fucking weak and stupid to do so.
-Ken Griffey Jr.
-Terrell Owens
-Graduates of Harvard University. The over/under on a Harvard asswipe telling you he went to Harvard? Seven seconds.
-Linkin Park, Good Charlotte, and any other pussyass “rock” band that is not Queens of the Stone Age
-The French
-Poets. Half of all poems are about poetry. This annoys me to no end.
-Dick Vitale
-Scrappy Doo
-Any guy who pisses in the middle urinal of a three urinal bathroom
-Steve Forbes
-Anyone from Cincinnati
-Quentin Tarantino. Badass movies, though.
-TV host James Lipton
-Any grocery clerk who needs “the key” to scan an item. Hey fuckstick, why don’t you just keep the key on you at all times?
-Any MTV News "Reporter"
-Internet movie dumbfuck Harry Knowles
-Everyone responsible for the film "Magnolia"
-Ozzy Osbourne (sorry, Ozzy)
-Eddie Furlong in "Terminator 2”
-Everyone on the Academy Awards telecast
-Marilyn Manson
-Roger Ebert
-Writers for Pitchfork.com
-The staff of Rolling Stone magazine. Green Day saved rock? My ass.
-Billy Crystal
-Darren Star (thanks for creating "Sex and the City," you fucking douchebag. Hate that show)
-Fans of the Boston Red Sox
-Anyone associated with Duke University
-Terry Bradshaw
-Your younger brother
-Jerry Seinfeld. Girliest man ever on television.
-Any guy that doesn’t finish his beer
-Anomalous Yankee douchebag Paul O’Neill
-Jim Koch, brewer of Sam Adams. I work in advertising. This man’s voice is on a tape loop in Satan’s waiting room.
-Paul McCartney (post-Beatles era)
-Anyone who went to prep school (Hey. That’s me!)
-Anyone with a last name for a first name (like Carter or Blake or some other preppy dipshit name like that)
-Carson Daly (See what I mean?)
-Anyone who "summers in Nantucket"
-Anyone who skis and walks around saying how much they love “fresh powder”
-Frasier Crane and Niles Crane
-Billy Joel
-Fans of Billy Joel
-Your friend who got a new girlfriend and doesn’t do jack shit with you anymore (I did this)
-George Bush (the older one)
-Waylon Smithers from "The Simpsons"
-Hamlet. What a puss.
-Kevin Arnold from "The Wonder Years"
-Most independent filmmakers
-Ross from "Friends"
-Larry King (by the way, have you ever noticed that Larry King only likes shitty movies? “Cutthroat Island is a slam-bang thriller! Cracking good entertainment!” An endorsement from Larry King will take $20-$30 million off your opening gross, guaranteed.)
-George Costanza
-CNN newsman Aaron Brown (“What I’m saying is important!”)
-Rodney King
-Trekkies
-Emeril Legasse
-My buddy Scott, who actually thought it was funny one time to punch me in the nuts. This whole punching-other-men-in-the-nuts-because-it’s-fun phenomenon is wrong and fucking annoying.
-Bob Costas
-Jay Leno
-Any contestant on "Deal or No Deal"
-Richard Simmons
-The guy who decided to show chicks peeing in Penthouse
-Fredo Corleone
-Woody Allen
-The Ken doll
-Arsenio Hall
-TV critics who keep insisting that Bonnie Hunt is funny
-Rivers Cuomo of Weezer (good band, though)
-Obi-Wan Kenobi (“So what I told you was true! From a certain point of view.” Try saying that shit to Han Solo.)
-Luke Skywalker
-Kurt Cobain (who killed rock and roll, which is a topic for later discussion)
-Most environmental activists
-R.E.M. lead singer Michael Stipe
-The Tooth Fairy (cheap dipshit)
-Hugh Grant
-K-Fed
-Most Olympians
-Pip from “Great Expectations”
-Styx
-80’s metal band Stryper
-Jon Bon Jovi
-Ahmad Rashad and Sean Salisbury. Both former Vikings. Guhhhhhh.
-Your high school or college valedictorian. Valedictorian speeches are always brutal. You know the type. “It seems just like yesterday when we walked through these doors, the world filled with possibilities, but also a little scary too!” Kid, all anyone wants at a graduation is to get to the roll call. Hurry the fuck up.
-Anybody who wears a letter jacket for a non-sport sport (like Band, or Debate, or Cheerleading, or Lacrosse.)
-Every dipshit on MTVs "The Real World"
-Your high school swim team
-Cameron Crowe. Cameron Crowe movies are bullshit. “Jerry Maguire” was a chick flick that purported to be about sports. “Almost Famous” was a chick flick that purported to be about rocking with your cock out. I hate this man and his painful earnestness.
-People who like Cameron Crowe movies
-The Scarecrow, Tin Man, and Cowardly Lion
-Kobe Bryant
-George F. Will
-Robin
-Pauly Shore (Sorry, Tiff)
-The video store clerk who keeps urging you to rent "Evil Dead 2"
-Andy Rooney
-Anyone who wears black jeans and white sneakers
-The Snuggle Fabric Softener Bear and the Honey Nut Cheerios Bee
-John Rocker
-Packer fans
-Chris Berman
-Peter King
-Pundits (All of them. Liberal or conservative. Die. I would like you to die.)
-Joe Theismann
-Billy Crystal. Again.
-Vince Carter
-Frankie Muniz
-Ashton Kutcher
-Tom Cruise. Of course. Tom Cruise loves the douche!
posted by Big Daddy Drew at 9:34 AM
73 Comments:
Bravo, Drew. Especially the part about "anybody from Cincinatti".
We Dey!
Gotta disagree with you on Obi-Wan. He had to act like a douchebag in order to get that pussy Skywalker to do anything. Make no mistake - anybody who whips out a lightsaber in a bar and cuts off some guy's arm is truly a Badass.
Ouch. I promise we're not all douchebags. Most? Sure, but not all.
Your high school or college valedictorian. Valedictorian speeches are always brutal.
Not always, Drew. In fact, I'm pretty confident you would've liked my high school speech.
I blatantly ripped into every clique and teacher, dropped and did push-ups for no reason whatsoever, and was heckled throughout the entire thing by my father.
I couldn't help but notice a reference to Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys urinal rules.
About time somebody called out Cameron Crowe, I hate those movies and the people who like them.
I think you left off one big one, Peter Parker. Could there be a more whiny sissy of a superhero? He has all the potential to enter the pantheon of badasses, but he wastes it crying over Mary Jane. His douchebagness also cost his uncle's life. Die Spidey, die.
Wow, this list is surprisingly thorough. I'm wondering how many hours you spent compiling it while lying in bed, trying to fall asleep.
Also, excellent call on Skywalker.
Ahhh, way to exclude QOTSA, who surely belong on the Badass list.
You missed one though, you can't have Billy Joel on the list without Elton John. They're a team, apparently. Just saying.
i'd like to add 90% of Connecticut's population to the list..
Although, many of them teeter on that asshole line..
...also, anyone that has 'bosox' in their screen name should have their assholes sewn shut and be fed nothing but ExLax. Poser
Back off Siobhan, cj. If you were a "regular" around here or Deadspin you would know she is good people.
Exceptional List.
I'd like to add the guy at work who says "Hey, thank God it's Friday!" or any other reference to a day of the week and its proximity to the weekend. Yes, I know what day it is, it'll happen again in 7 days for the rest of our lives, please stop reminding me.
Yeah, what Siobhan said. I'm from Cincy.
Cute little list, though.
Couple points:
1) Sure Hamlet was a bitch, but dude, he played with a skull. How many times have you played with a skull? That should opt him out right there.
2) Aren't you the tooth-fairy now?
And one to add to the list:
1) Those douches who work in the cellphone kiosks at the mall. "Hey bro let me get a minute of your time." Hey bro, why don't you shove it and let me buy my socks in peace.
Can I get a ruling?
Does Skeets' valedictorian speech make him an asshole and his father a bad ass?
Or does the valedictorian-douche rule stand?
You should add; Steeler fans who say shit like "every single call from the superbowl was valid, and the officiating was just absolutly on point"
Also, any Yankee fan who refutes any argument as to why they suck with "26 championships!" I.E. "Hey Yankee fan douche, don't you think the Yankees have helped create the most unfair balance in all of professional sports by driving up the market price of even marginal ball players?" "26 championships!" Hmm...then again maybe they're just retarded, not douchebags. Can a retard be a douchebag like Corky from Life Goes On?
As close to thorough as such a list can be. I'd only add that Paul from the Wonder Years was also a ginormous douche. And the brightly optimistic young college grads who try to get me to donate money to 3rd World children when I go out to get coffee.
And I fucking hate the peeing in Penthouse.
BigT, I'd say that Skeets's speech, by virtue of not being all "commencement means beginning," exempts him from douchebaggery. But just barely -- he was, after all, the valedictorian. And Canadian.
What about Joe Buck, and his coverage of the "mooning" by Randy Moss vs. the Packers 2 yrs ago. What a moron.
Zebrahunter, just saying Joe Buck is enough. No explanation needed. I second the vote on that douchebag.
I'd also like to add Jack Nicholson and Regis Philbin for their "die-hard" love of all band-wagon sports teams.
And I see Billy Crystal made the list twice. And I'm sticking to my guns about Tom Cruise. I think he's an asshole.
And yes ... BACK THE FUCK OFF SIOBHAN!!!!
Thanks, guys.
I want to be a bad-ass, but that's not even possible given my XX chromosome situation, is it? Damn.
If you had those 3 douches in that pic in a deep pit and you were charging $100 to piss on them you'd be a millionaire by the end of the month. I know I'd pay it, then after I was done I'd get in the back of the line.
Terry Bradshaw? Now you've crossed the line.
I demand an explanation.
>>>>-Fans of the Boston Red Sox<<<<<<<<
Careful now...
(Though I do agree about putting Billy Crystal on the list twice...he's doubledouchey)
Damn, and I thought I was an asshole... this least makes me more of a douchebag.
How about anyone visiting Vegas. And I'll even cover the spread on this one:
From Cincinnati and now living in Vegas. My life is over.
Drew...
Green Day is the most over-rated band of the past 25 years. If you devoted an entire blog to their douchebaggery I would swear off Catholicism and worship you as God. I cannot friggin stand GreenDay and the knobs who follow them.
Terrell Owens is certifiably insane.
I disagree about George Will, I even met the man in Georgetown nice guy.
You listed Billy Crystal twice.
Ya I got killed when I was born into being both a Packer and Red Sox fan. I agree that 90% of Conn. should be on the list (denser douche population the closer to NY you get). Also I think Green Day had a great album with Dookie, but then went downhill. As far as saving rock, if anything they killed it by inspiring "a million Blink 182's" (another Rolling Stone article) and then writing American Idiot.
Please add Vince Carter.
Thanks in advance...
If you have Billy Crystal and Tom Cruise on the list twice you have to mention the Academy Awards, and anyone who wins an award and actually cries during these things. Jesus, how self-important do you have to be to think this is some kind of crowning achievement and that you are actually worth anything. Besides Billy Crystal hosts those things like every other year, and says the same damn gay jokes. Also peripheral douche status to those people who tape the Awards and then tell you every detail of who won what when I don't even give a shit about who was nominated. If you own Netflix you know that no one likes these movies nominated for Best Picture, except Crash. It's the only one that doesn't make you want to gouge your eyes out, so it's surprising it won.
Almost every movie nominated for an academy award has been described by Eddie Izzard in Dressed to Kill. Gay and Douchey
Your high school or college valedictorian. Valedictorian speeches are always brutal.
I was a douche in High School. I went to a Private Christian School where my parents were paying tuition for a guaranteed certificate of douchebaggery, not an education.
Thank God I went to a certain former Military School in the Big XII South. (Whoop!) Nothing like a few ass-kickings from a douche in uniform to convince you of the error of your ways. From the floor of that dorm, I dedicated my life to underachieving and striving for life as a Good Shit.
Drew, Doesn't every Good Shit have moments where he looks a little like an asshole, a douchebag, and a bad-ass. (Sometimes more than one?) Isn't it the moderation that makes him good people?
One more Q for the F.K.S. readers:
If a friend, let's call him "Brad," has a good lookin' wife, a decent job that he works hard at, and an all-around good life, but is humble enough to not be a douche or an asshole about it, and is every other way a good shit -- but only drinks Smirnoff Ice and Mike's "Hard" Lemonade -- does that alone consign him as douche?
Can a man still be a Good Shit if he's a flyweight drinker?
And does me spiking his Smirnoff with Everclear make me an asshole?
Geeze. That interminable list WITHOUT a mention of Ryan Seacrest or Bill O'Reilly? Those guys should market Douchebag accessories (Oh-Bill already does).
You also forgot to mention rich suburban teenage boys who think they're "gangsta" by wearing their jeans so they fall below their stupid teenage asses, circa 1993.
And you might as well toss in Tom Cruise's new kid-she'll make the list eventually, so you might as well get a jumpstart. Madonna's kid too-I don't care how old she is-I hate her already.
And George Will definitely belongs on the list. He wears bowties.
my apologies for not realizing siobhan's 'untouchable' status.
....but i forgot to add anyone who is a "regular" to blog comment boards.. I read the blog, not memorize the people who comment.. Therefore, i guess i'm a douche too for not being in the precious FKS comment club. asshole, and i mean that in the most affectionate way possible.
While i'm on a tangent here.. If you don't know the difference between: too, to, and two.. or there, their, or they're etc etc..
Complete douchebaggery
Momenger -- Seacrest is gay; O'Reilly's a pundit. They were covered.
Sorry Captain,
It was late and my eyes started to glaze over around the middle of Drew's War & Peace length list.
But Ryan and Bill can be mentioned twice-they've earned it. Besides, Tom Cruise got double billing (well deserved) but Red Sox Fans were an obvious erroneous addition (Blashphamy!) which I'm sure will result in a heartfelt apology from the author.
Holding my breath now....
"Any guy who pisses in the middle urinal of a three urinal bathroom "
THANK you.
You also need to add Mike Holmgren and Seahawk fans who can't accept the fact that they lost the Super Bowl thanks to dropped passes, forgetting that Shaun Alexander is on their team, horrible clock management, and the three touchdowns they gave up.
Fuck you, you d-bag preppy-hating preppy.
And where are Yankee fans on this list? Ever been to Yankee Stadium? There's more douchebags there at any given home game than there are on the entire rest of the eastern seaboard, D.C. and Duke University notwithstanding.
Light beer drinkers should be on the list too. I don't care if you don't agree, as you're probably a douchebag who drinks bud light when you're not drinking Zima.
First-time poster from N.C. and have been a lurker for a few months but I feel an AA moment coming on here:
"Hello, my name is Douchebag. Damn, I didn't even know I WAS a DB. Dammit."
I drive a Jeep Wrangler. I actually like Cameron Crowe movies. I listen to U2, even the new stuff.
Damn, I suck.
More douches: people who make the quotation marks with their fingers and say "quote, unquote;" the religious guy at work who keeps trying to get you to go to church with him; and Dallas Cowboys fans (they're the NFL equivalent of Yankees fans).
All that said, this is the most excellent blog I've ever visited. Drew -- you're a good shit.
I have to go to bat for the sport of Lacrosse. Sure the Duke dudes make it look like the sport of choice for any asiring douchbag. However, Lacrosse as you probably know is a badass game invented by the native Americans. They way that they play it, there is nothing douchy about it. So maybe you should specify that while certain teams may be douche havens the actual sport itself is pretty badass.
I've got two more:
Derek Jeter -- the man has his own fucking fragrance
A-Rod -- fails the frosted hair test
fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
yes; the gotti children. please let them die now. I think they've been created out of the medical waste generated by their mother's multiple "cosmetic" surgeries rather than actual va-j-j birth, anyhow.
> About time somebody called out Cameron Crowe, I hate those movies and the people who like them.
Sure, he didn't direct it, but I certainly hope you're excepting Fast Times.
Mmmmmm... NSFW.
Colossal douchebags: all who work in advertising.
You forgot about Cubs fans
Goeorge Bush Senior but not George Bush Junior? Not the fucking idiot in office right now? Are you out of your fucking mind???????????? WTFUCK!!!!!
Lacrosse players are assholes, not douchebags. We rule the world!
im pretty sure the poster is a douch...
thank you!
http://happelinwisconsin.blogspot.com/2006/02/things-i-hate.html
Lay off the Beastie Boys!!
you totally forgot sweatbands...only douchebags wear gratuitous sweatbands without the intention of sporting
I want to add a douchbag who itroduced himself as "Gerry with a G". He thinks hes good at ju jitsu and better than sliced bread. He's not.
Emeril, God yes! I registered on this just to post that I wish I had an Emeril punching bag. Never even watched the show, just the stupid ubiquitous Bam!ness.
wow... this list is shit!!!
COADY MARIE SHOVLAIN, yes that's a guy...
Pope Benedict is a Hitler Youth DOUCHBAG! He became a Priest way after turning in his parents to the Gestapo for a merit badge.
Drew, you need to add virtually everyone living in BOULDER, Colorado. It is a nest of phoney liberals, soothsayers, crystal ball gazers, lesbians, fake vegans and Starbuck's sucking douchebags!
As an ex-I Boulderite, need to second the nomination of Boulder being a nest of douchebags. In fact Boulder is probably Douchebag Central, but they forgat to add the hoard of fake Bhuddists posing as old hippies, and the fake old hippies posing as Bhuddists.
HAHA, i like "the man who pisses in the middle urinal in a set of three empty urinals" Well said. The only thing the list really misses is "anyone from Texas," my friend. Add that and itll be complete.
you forgot to mention the ultimate in douche bag attire the 'piss jeans'... they are the trashy bleached jeans all the douchies are wearin' plus add a bit of douche if they sag really low...! ;)
um, this list includes evryone ever
What about spammers? All spammers are total f'ing Douchebags!
Jason Swillum is quite a douchebag.
Cincinnati does suck, but don't kid yourself—it's exactly the same as Pittsburgh, except you can get a job there and at least turn around without seeing a 300-lb girl.
i've never seen more fat piles of shit than in pittsburgh. and that's not counting your dad.
But you forgot yourself...
Add Nicholas Cage. That douche is the same character in every movie with a different name. He doesn't change his voice or his looks just his name...Lord of war pissed me off because he was "ukranian" but he didn't have an accent.
men who buy hummers?
What the hell is wrong with listening to the Beastie Boys? Macho-jocko dudes never listen to the Beastie Boys. They listen to shit like Linkin Park. I question your knowledge of douchebaggery.
Tucker Carlson
Sylvestor Stallone
Regis Philbin
Rush Limbaugh
Anybody who talks on Sunday morning t.v.
That guy from America's funniest home videos..Tom Bergeron
Also Bob Saget
Wally George (even though he's dead)
Andy Dick
Dolph Lundgren
Anybody on a reality show
My gym coaches
Most priests
Richard Klein
Willard Scott
Al Roker
Bill O'Reilly
Donald Trump should be on this list.... Twice
Chinese hippies. I cannot begin to describe the degree of contempt I have for them, and urge all of you out there to join forces with me and spread the word. Chinese hippies are douchebags
heidi and spencer,anyone and everyone off of the jersey shore cast, any 80's hair metal band, kate and john gosselin, newt gingrich.... the list goes on.
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