Five Things That Will Scare The Living Shit Out Of Your Kids

Anyone can beat their children. That’s easy. Just ball up a fist and send them flying. But if you want to inflict true psychological scars on your offspring, well you need to be a bit more ambitious than that. When I was a freshman in college, I went to go see “Natural Born Killers” in the theater with my brother. Sitting in front of me was a man who had brought his five-year-old. You see? Now that’s what I’m talking about. I could barely watch the movie, I was so horrified for the kid’s future. That kid is probably seventeen now. If he wants to buy a pack of Winstons at your convenience store, I highly recommend you let him.

Anyway, here are five things I experienced as a youngster so that The Girl doesn’t have to:


-The Wicked Witch of the West
God dammit, this woman is scary. Imagine the worst fire-breathing bitch of a librarian you’ve ever met, only now she’s a bloodthirsty maniac who wants to fuck you up and steal your shoes. Think of the damage this über-harpy could wreak on the streets of Southeast DC. She’d have eight pairs of vintage Air Force Ones in her possession within an hour. And they call “The Wizard of Oz” a family film. What kind of fucked up opium/ether speedball was needed to invent this story? Flying monkeys? Homicidal green women who are deathly allergic to water? Organized lollipop unions? No wonder that one munchkin hung himself backstage. This is fucking disturbing stuff. This chick’s laugh still haunts my night terrors. Keep your kid away.


-The End Reveal of “Psycho”
Everyone is scared shitless by the shower scene in “Psycho”. And yeah, that one will have you bypassing washing your back so you can get the fuck out of the bathroom. But no one talks about end of that movie, when the chick in the fruit cellar discovers Norman Bates’ mom is a corpse and whirls around to see a knife-wielding cross-dresser with a stabbing fetish smiling at her. Sometimes I go into the basement to get laundry and my brain will say to me, “Hey, there could be a guy in a dress in the room next door who wants to slash the shit of you, you know.” Do I then sprint the fuck up the stairs with my whites? Yes I do. This is what happens when you watch “Psycho” when you’re eight. My asshole closes at the mere thought of it.


-The Steak That Eats That One Guy’s Face in “Poltergeist”
At least, I think it eats the guy’s face. Fuck if I know what actually happens, because my eyelids are over my lips at that point. Up until I saw this flick, meat had been my friend. It was soft, tender, and delicious. It did not slowly creep along the fucking countertop, waiting to fuck my shit up. You see that steak start to move, and you just know something bad is about to happen. And no one notices! God dammit, people, a tree already tried to eat your kid. Don’t just leave a ribeye sitting around. It’s gonna turn on you. Dumbshits.


-Old Radio Ads for “The Fly”
I never saw this flick in ‘86, but the radio ads were enough. I had a radio in my room when I was 10, and I’d listen to music to get to sleep. So imagine, after spending a quality night trying to unlock the secrets of my penis and listening to “The Power of Love”, a creepy old lady coming on the air and singing this song:

There was a young man who turned into a fly.
I don’t know why he turned into a fly.
Perhaps we’ll die.
Perhaps we’ll dieeeeeeeee.

I slept with my brother for the next month. You don’t just put ads like that one the radio. That song is creepy enough in its original version. Why is that song a kid’s song? An old lady is eating insects and we’re speculating on her death? That’s fucked. That song is banned.


-The Metallica “One” Video
“This young man will be as unfeeling, as unthinking as the dead, until the day he joins them.” You know, I just wanted to rock. That’s really all I came to the table for. This video scared the shit out of so many people, they had to release the “jammin’ version” without any of that fucked up “Johnny Got His Gun” footage. Seriously, when the kid with no arms and legs started to flip out, I had to change the channel, then check back periodically to see if they had gone back to Kirk Hammett wailing on his shit. But I’d always fuck up and get that “I’m like a piece of meat that keeps on living!” line. Guhhhhh. I want metal to celebrate violence, not make me think of the existential consequences of it. Brutal. Awesome song, though.

NOTE: Last night I had to go downstairs to make the Girl a bottle at 4AM. Because of this bit, I thought of all five of the above things at the same time and almost had a nervous breakdown. If anyone ever tells you writing is cathartic, stab that person with a knife for me.