FKS Field Guide – Assholes and Badasses
I got a note from Yahoo saying my old site dedicated to Assholes, Douchebags, and Badasses was about to be erased. So this week and next, I’ll be updating you on the modern definitions of all three terms and listing examples of guys who fit snugly into each category. If you’ve seen this before, don’t worry. It’s all been updated and revised.
The world, as you may or may not know, contains roughly 3 billion men (There are more women on the planet than men. Which, for you ladies, explains why that one fat friend of yours can’t find a husband.) These men fall into four separate categories: Asshole, Douchebag, Good Shit, and Badass. There is no overlap. You cannot be both at the same time. This categorization is more important than ever now, as the douchebag population has grown wildly out of control in recent years. We need to recognize and curtail the problem now, before it’s too late. Today, we’ll be covering Assholes and Badasses. Let’s go to the Asshole FAQ:
Q: What is an asshole?
A: An asshole is a heterosexual male who is knowingly inconsiderate, self-serving, and obnoxious.
Q: That’s a boring definition. Can’t you give details?
A: Assholes are part of all our lives. They are everywhere, from the fucker who cut you off on the way to work, to that piece of shit weatherman who smiles as he tells you a violent hailstorm is coming tomorrow. Assholes cut in line. Assholes mess up families with one wife and then start a new a family with another wife so they can "get it right this time." Assholes hog the bong. Assholes are never wrong. Assholes fart and don’t own up to it. Assholes, simply put, are assholes.
Q: Hey, isn’t an asshole also the place where poopy comes out?
A: Yes, but that is not relevant here.
Q: Are you an asshole?
A: I used to think of myself as more of a douchebag. I work in advertising. I also went to prep school. And, of course, my roommate’s girlfriend walked in on me when I was beating off to "The Price is Right" during freshman year. Typical douchebag behavior. The poor girl is probably blind now. But no, now that I have gone five days alone caring for The Girl, I am a Badass. There’s no doubt about it.
Q: My father beat me up when I was a kid. Is he an asshole?
A: Yes, unless you were a douche and had it coming.
Q: Why do assholes have to be men?
A: Because women who exhibit assholish behavior are called Bitches.
Q: Why is there no Bitch List?
A: Because I can only write so much. Suffice it to say, the list starts with my ex-girlfriend and unspools for miles thereafter.
Q: Why can’t gay men be assholes?
A: Because gay men who exhibit assholish behavior are also called Bitches.
Q: What about lesbians, then? Can they be assholes?
A: No, lesbian bitches are still just bitches. Funny how that works.
Q: Do assholes split along party lines?
A: Somewhat. Republicans, who take money from big corporations while feasting on the innards of immigrant children, tend to be assholes. Democrats, who are huge pussies when it comes to having to blow shit up, tend to be more douchebag in nature. This is not a hard and fast rule, as you will find that Former President George H.W. Bush is a douchebag. And, of course, Former President Bill Clinton is a Grade A Flaming Red Asshole.
Q: Grade A? Are there degrees of assholishness?
A: Absolutely, and here they are:
GRADE F: Asshole. This is your standard, everyday asshole. Like the guy at the convenience store who bitches when I give him a twenty. He’s an asshole.
GRADE D: Real Asshole. This is a guy who busts balls for the everyday fun of it. Your Boss generally belongs here.
GRADE C: Major Asshole. This is where assholes start to get dangerous. Major assholes blatantly inconvenience you for the sake of their own assholishness. Major Assholes are prevalent at the Department of Motor Vehicles.
GRADE B: Fuckin’ Asshole. Now people start to get hurt. Fuckin’ assholes beat wives, bat .230 when they’re making $10 million a year, and can indirectly hurt people for their own profit. These can range from Major League Baseball player Carl Everett to any oil company executive.
GRADE A: Flaming Red Asshole. Reserved only for men whose assholish behavior was innovative and historic. Hitler? Stalin? Flaming Red Assholes.
Q: Hey, speaking of Hitler and Stalin, who’s the biggest asshole in history?
A: The Kraut and the Pinko are neck and neck, but we’ll go with Hitler. Stalin starved 20 million people to death but did it with no regard to race or gender, whereas Hitler devised a system to kill 6 million people, and would have gladly killed more if it weren’t for Uncle Sam and Co. Bonus points for the mustache. But, I’d also like to think that the world’s biggest asshole is out there, somewhere, hidden and lurking among us. Where could he be? And what waiter is he planning to insult? If I see the fucker, I’mma punch him in throat.
Q: Are assholes more prevalent in certain areas of the country?
A: In general, you can say the East Coast is full of assholes, while the West Coast tends to be awash in whiny little douchebags. And the Midwest, of course, is full of fat people.
Q: Can fictional characters be assholes?
A: You bet. How about that police chief in "Die Hard"? What was up his ass? Total asshole.
Q: What’s the difference between an asshole and an asswipe?
A: Asswipes are douchebags. Same term.
Q: Are assholes good for the world?
A: They absolutely can be. Assholes get things done. And that’s a healthy thing for scoiety. Assholes also keep things interesting. Every guy has an asshole friend. Why be friends with that guy? Because you need an asshole in your hip pocket. They yell at women. They steal things. It’s always handy to know one. As for the good assholes, former NYC mayor Rudy Guiliani cleaned up Manhattan by adhering to a strict code of persistent assholish behavior. And it takes the leadership of a born asshole to get New York through 9/11 the way he did. But, on the flipside, assholes like Hitler did some serious bad for the world. Killing Jews, at least in this country, is a big no-no.
Q: Can assholes reform?
A: Absolutely. Look at Darth Vader. Oppresses the Rebel fighters and tries to lure Luke Skywalker to the Dark Side, only to pull it together in the end and toss the Emperor down a fancy-looking garbage chute, automatically qualifying him as a Badass. Nice job, asshole!
Q: Can you be an asshole and a douchebag at the same time?
A: Again, no. The difference between the two is that the asshole knowingly aggravates. The douchebag unknowingly agitates. It’s impossible to pull both off, unless you suffer from schizophrenia like the guy in "A Beautiful Mind," who brilliantly pulled off the asshole/douchebag twin billing.
Q: Is there an Asshole Heaven?
A: Not sure, but there is definitely an Asshole Hell. Once there, you are given an IROC coupe, a carton of Winstons, and a monster kick in the nuts from Satan.
Q: If an asshole marries a bitch, do they have little assholes and little bitches?
Q: Okay, if you aren’t a douchebag, you aren’t insane, and you aren’t an asshole, then what are you?
A: You are either a Good Shit or a Badass.
Q: What’s a Badass?
A: An asshole who can get away with it because he’s a cool fucker. If you need a visual explanation, see Col. Kilgore above. Badasses are extremely rare, accounting for less than 1% of the entire male population.
Q: What’s a Good Shit?
A: A normal, everyday, fairly unexciting guy. This species is slowly becoming more extinct, and this is not a good thing. Since 1900, the percentage of Good Shits in the population has decreased dramatically, with Douchebags coming on strong. And that could lead to severe Global Douching.
Q: Can assholes be Badasses?
A: No. Badasses get a pass from the Asshole List. Even Patton.
Q: Who’s the most surprising asshole?
A: Could be Muhammad Ali. Respected as a boxer and civil rights activist, Ali’s gone through wives like I go through a bag of Doritos, racially taunted noted Badass Joe Frazier for no good reason, and helped Don King rise to prominence. That’s an asshole!
Q: Are all serial killers assholes?
A: Surprisingly, no. Take Jeffery Dahmer. Dahmer went to work on time, did his business, didn’t bother anyone, and led a peaceful home life. If you take out the times when he kidnapped, sodomized, killed and ate young boys, he’s a relative Good Shit. Insane? Yes. But an asshole? Not really.
Q: Is the President an asshole?
A: Yes. But people who bring up politics in polite conversation are douchebags.
Q: Why is Santa Claus an asshole?
A: Anyone who’s seen the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Christmas Special knows that Santa Claus is the racist asshole who made Rudolph hide his nose for so long. Big jackoff. And when I asked for a copy of Velvet when I was twelve years old, Santa totally bagged out. What an asshole.
Q: Was Malcolm X an asshole?
A: Tough call, but no. Malcolm X was a Badass, a Righteous Black Man who inspired millions of American black people and spawned a line of really cool X baseball caps. And, without Brother Malcolm, there’d be no Public Enemy. And Public Enemy was the tits.
Q: Help! Everyone at my office is an asshole!
A: You must work in finance or in law. Most assholes go straight into those fields right after graduating from Dartmouth and stealing your girlfriend. Now they get to be millionaires. Bullshit world, eh?
Q: Does the animal kingdom have assholes and douchebags?
A: Yes. I think we’ve all seen asshole dogs in action. They bark at everything, bitch about the food they get, and shit all over the place. Asshole dogs, of course, are owned by asshole owners, hence the similarity in looks.
Q: Okay, so let’s see the lists of Assholes and Badasses.
A: You’ll have to wait until Friday for that. Told you I was a bit of a douche.