Grading the Celebrity Children
In case you haven’t noticed, it’s fucking hot outside. I saw a weather map yesterday and the entire country was red. And not that pussyass cherry red that means it’s only 80. I’m talking the deep crimson “You’re in Really Serious Shit” red; the red that usually only surrounds Phoenix on the USA Today map. It ain’t no dry heat either. It’s a dripping wet balls-sticking-to-your-thigh heat. Which means my brain isn’t working so good today. So let’s point out the faults of celebrity children, which requires no thought whatsoever.
Remember, we’ll be grading these children using my patented Baby Rating System. Any baby or toddler that scores lower than a 3 should be discarded immediately!
-Apple Martin. Grade: 5
Getting Apple started early on the Coldplay, are we? Smart move. You have to get people listening to Coldplay early on in life. That way, they become inured to songs that are completely sterile and devoid of anything remotely resembling passion. Are you ready to not rock? Apple sure is! This is a fairly cute kid. That shirt she’s wearing is way too billowy. Those jeans are last year’s. And the giant pink earphones, combined with the thumbsucking, suggest that Apple is not all that advanced (that stupid fucking name is no help either). But no worries for her. In time, she’ll be just like her mommy: a pretentious Anglophile who seriously overestimates her own beauty, talent, and intellect. Jolly good!
-Rowan Henchy. Grade: 6
Grier Henchy. Grade: 2
These are Brooke Shields kids, which means they’ll be smoking hot at age 16, only to slowly turn into men in drag by age 35. Did you know Brooke had postpartum depression? She did! She even wrote a book about it in order to cope! And, if you pay $22.95 for it, you’ll be helping Brooke cope even more! Let’s start with Rowan. Mildly cute. Bonus points for the hair. The nose is turned too far upwards for my taste. But she is doing that precious “I’m holding my own hand” thing, which gets her another bonus point. Grier, on the other hand, is a problem. Notice how low the eyes are set. That’s a five-head in the making. The side of the head also looks misshapen, like a bad avocado at Whole Foods. And she’s got that pasty newborn skin – almost a sort of an Eddie Munster complexion. You’re batting .500, Brooke. Let’s get that average up!
-Sean Preston Spears Federline. Grade: 9
Say what you will about Britney and the anchor she chained herself to, but this is a good-looking kid. Sean has the whole cherub thing down pat: full cheeks, doe eyes, and that perfect little tuft of baby hair. It’s almost a shame to know that this kid is probably going to die soon. Babies are more attractive when their heads and limbs are intact. Also, a point deduction for the folds of fat on the upper body. We don’t want to end up like Mommy now, do we?
-Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Grade: 3
What a letdown. I was expecting full lips and a penchant for sex with knives. No such luck. I’m not liking that piggy nose. At this rate, Shiloh won’t even be as hot as the two chicks in that car crash mix-up over in the corner. And that would be a damn shame. By the way, there are two types of guys out there: There’s the guy that sleeps with the crazy woman but manages to get out of it just before he gets locked into a life of abject misery, and then there’s the guy who sleeps with the crazy woman one too many times and ends up with three children in the span of a year. You don’t want to be in the latter category.
-Sam Sheen. Grade: 4
When Sam is 16, I want her Dad to say this to her at least once a day: “You wear too much eye makeup. My sister wears too much. People think she’s a whore.”
-Violet Affleck. Grade: 1
Ouch. That is one dour-ass baby. Give that girl a cigar and a golf hat. “Yeah! I’m a baby, see? Yeah. And I want you to push me this way. Yeah. And I want a nice stroller. A Bugaboo, yeah. And I want you to pay for it in unmarked $100 bills, see? Yeah. Not so tough now, are ya, Agent Bristow? Yeah.”
-Suri Cruise. Grade: Imcomplete
-The Girl. Grade: 10
Dan Brown wasn't bullshitting you about the whole Sacred Feminine thing. Have your frankincense ready if you visit.
Remember, we’ll be grading these children using my patented Baby Rating System. Any baby or toddler that scores lower than a 3 should be discarded immediately!
-Apple Martin. Grade: 5
Getting Apple started early on the Coldplay, are we? Smart move. You have to get people listening to Coldplay early on in life. That way, they become inured to songs that are completely sterile and devoid of anything remotely resembling passion. Are you ready to not rock? Apple sure is! This is a fairly cute kid. That shirt she’s wearing is way too billowy. Those jeans are last year’s. And the giant pink earphones, combined with the thumbsucking, suggest that Apple is not all that advanced (that stupid fucking name is no help either). But no worries for her. In time, she’ll be just like her mommy: a pretentious Anglophile who seriously overestimates her own beauty, talent, and intellect. Jolly good!
-Rowan Henchy. Grade: 6
Grier Henchy. Grade: 2
These are Brooke Shields kids, which means they’ll be smoking hot at age 16, only to slowly turn into men in drag by age 35. Did you know Brooke had postpartum depression? She did! She even wrote a book about it in order to cope! And, if you pay $22.95 for it, you’ll be helping Brooke cope even more! Let’s start with Rowan. Mildly cute. Bonus points for the hair. The nose is turned too far upwards for my taste. But she is doing that precious “I’m holding my own hand” thing, which gets her another bonus point. Grier, on the other hand, is a problem. Notice how low the eyes are set. That’s a five-head in the making. The side of the head also looks misshapen, like a bad avocado at Whole Foods. And she’s got that pasty newborn skin – almost a sort of an Eddie Munster complexion. You’re batting .500, Brooke. Let’s get that average up!
-Sean Preston Spears Federline. Grade: 9
Say what you will about Britney and the anchor she chained herself to, but this is a good-looking kid. Sean has the whole cherub thing down pat: full cheeks, doe eyes, and that perfect little tuft of baby hair. It’s almost a shame to know that this kid is probably going to die soon. Babies are more attractive when their heads and limbs are intact. Also, a point deduction for the folds of fat on the upper body. We don’t want to end up like Mommy now, do we?
-Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Grade: 3
What a letdown. I was expecting full lips and a penchant for sex with knives. No such luck. I’m not liking that piggy nose. At this rate, Shiloh won’t even be as hot as the two chicks in that car crash mix-up over in the corner. And that would be a damn shame. By the way, there are two types of guys out there: There’s the guy that sleeps with the crazy woman but manages to get out of it just before he gets locked into a life of abject misery, and then there’s the guy who sleeps with the crazy woman one too many times and ends up with three children in the span of a year. You don’t want to be in the latter category.
-Sam Sheen. Grade: 4
When Sam is 16, I want her Dad to say this to her at least once a day: “You wear too much eye makeup. My sister wears too much. People think she’s a whore.”
-Violet Affleck. Grade: 1
Ouch. That is one dour-ass baby. Give that girl a cigar and a golf hat. “Yeah! I’m a baby, see? Yeah. And I want you to push me this way. Yeah. And I want a nice stroller. A Bugaboo, yeah. And I want you to pay for it in unmarked $100 bills, see? Yeah. Not so tough now, are ya, Agent Bristow? Yeah.”
-Suri Cruise. Grade: Imcomplete
-The Girl. Grade: 10
Dan Brown wasn't bullshitting you about the whole Sacred Feminine thing. Have your frankincense ready if you visit.
posted by Big Daddy Drew at 9:31 AM
9 Comments:
C'mon Drew another hilarious blog yes but the Garner/Affleck kid is the cutest one on there. Also you didn't rip on Gwenwth hard enough and where are Madonna's kids, you could have had three paragraphs of material on them!
Whew, are you the only guy on earth who recognizes that Angelina JHolie is crazy and Brad has gotten himself into one big mess.
Every guy I know is still saying stuff like, "She's so hot!"
You are a king, FKS.
Well, if Brad hangs around long enough and Angelia "Goodwill" Jolie adopts, say, another dozen Third World Country babies and starts to get spider veins from lugging them all over the planet, maybe he'll pull a Woody Allen on her and marry one of the good looking ones when they turn 18.
And sorry Drew-anything which shares the DNA of Britany's husband "something" Federlane (I think) cannot, by law, be anything but creepy.
I've got to agree with anonymous, the Garner kid looks like a cute, normal baby. Just maybe all bundled up makes additional commentary hard to do.
"It’s almost a shame to know that this kid is probably going to die soon."
That's just great stuff.
It's also a shame to know that she's having another one! Surely it should be a crime to have a second kid, if your first one is living on the brink of death and/or maiming.
OMG! What you said about the youngest member of Brooke Shields family is terrible.....terribly funny! ;)
Drew, your Suri joke is too true...
But I figure that kid to be either more of a Facehugger or a Chestburster.
I coulda swore brown celebrities had kids too. Wassup with that?????
Post a Comment
<< Home